I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I love this poem, so much so I put it in the front of my book, Nicodemus and the Flight of Argus.

I first heard it watching G.I Jane and it really resonated with me. I have always done my best not to feel self pity, just get on with it don’t feel sorry for yourself it won’t help matters, but I am beginning to question whether I am right?

I know I don’t want to indulge in self pity, that doesn’t do anyone any good, or those around them. However, I do wonder if it is ok to feel sorry for yourself every once in a while?

The reason I ask this is because right now I am feeling a little sorry for myself, I know that may sound ludicrous for someone who is on holiday surrounded by people she loves and who love her but let me explain. I spent 8 months saving for my contribution towards the holiday, I know that probably doesn’t sound much  but I have not been able to work much the last couple of years and wanted to make something really special happen once I was able to work again, sadly it was a bit short lived as I then had to have 2 hip surgeries, nonetheless, I did manage to save a lot of money and was exceedingly proud of myself.

Originally, I was only meant to have 1 hip operated on, so I could be well enough for my holiday and finish my rehab while I was away. However, my hip had been in a far worse state than expected so, once I got to 6 weeks post op my surgeon suggested I got the other one done quickly, as it didn’t look anything like as bad and I should only be on crutches for 3 days and would be fine for my holiday. Perfect I thought and booked in hip number 2. You can imagine my shock when I woke up after surgery to discover not only was it worse than the first, it was in fact the worst my surgeon had ever seen, a lot more work had been done and my recovery was going to be much slower than anticipated.

The result, still on crutches when I get on holiday, although I am very pleased to say they are gone now but my walking is decidedly suspect. I had to wait 5 days to be able to go in the swimming pool because the wound still hadn’t healed, I can’t go in the sea because I am not strong enough and I am finding it very difficult to walk on the sand. Everyone has to wait for me all of the time and my condition is affecting what we can do each day and the pain is way worse than I imagined it would be.

So is it ok to feel sorry for myself?

On a logical level, I know that everything was done for the right reasons and I am away for a long time so, by the time I come home, I really should be fit and well. I am able to rest and relax so really shouldn’t have anything to complain about. On an emotional level, however, I am finding it very difficult, I worked so hard to pay for this holiday and I feel so restricted and pathetic and guilty for the fact those around me are having their time away affected by me.

So to answer my own question, I think it is ok to feel sorry for yourself – occasionally! If only to allow yourself to have the emotion you feel, if something has gone wrong it is very likely you will feel strongly about it. So have that feeling, let it out, experience it to the full and then work on accepting it – that’s the hard bit (and another blog) although, having said that, allowing ourselves to release an emotion can be near on impossible for some of us.

I spent  so long refusing to feel sorry for myself and trying to be strong all of the time, I had virtually lost the ability to feel or even recognise an emotion. It wasn’t until I started training as an actor that I fully understood what I had done to myself. I now work hard to spot when something is going on inside me that needs to come out, it takes a lot of time to learn how to do it all over again but it is worth it.