Phew, I found it again!

I just wanted to say how completely overwhelmed and heart warmed I was in response to my last post. I was so worried about writing it and there have been numerous occasions in the past where I have felt like doing it but been too afraid. Which is silly really seeing as the reason I started this blog in the first place was to keep me above water and yes when I really needed to do it, I couldn’t.

I was talking to a very good friend about this the other night, as she had picked up on the fact that I had waited to feel better to do it and wasn’t it a shame I couldn’t do it when I needed to. The thing is when you are really in a bad way and your brain is telling you how awful you are it is near on impossible to tell your loved ones, let alone the world. I feel I can say that I told the world because my blog has been read in over 15 countries now which I find astounding. When I started this I didn’t believe anyone would read it, let alone it spreading across the globe, so thank you to all of you for your support. I would probably be in an even worse state without you.

I received emails, texts, fb posts, fb private messages and messages on my blog, not only from my dear friends but some of them came from people I haven’t seen in years and some from people I have never met. This was something completely unexpected but very well received I can tell you because for once instead of crying in pain, I was crying in love and appreciation, all thanks to you, my faith in humanity is restored and I have been able to tell the voices in my head to back the fuck off for the moment, otherwise they will have to take on a lot more than me!

Fortunately this week has been better, I have positive things happening work wise and my pain levels are bearable, one of the worst ones at the moment is my trapped sciatic nerve which, as it has been trapped for so long, has taken on a totally independent lease of life and twitches constantly, you can actually see it pulsing, that doesn’t hurt just feels weird but at night when I move that leg the calf cramps and it’s agony and really disturbs my sleep. So, if depression and pain are not enough lack of sleep gets thrown into the mix, I appreciate the saying things happen in 3’s but these are 3 things I could seriously do without.

Tiredness alone is enough to drive you mental, I have someone very dear to me that often doesn’t get enough rest and she explains that the tiredness just turns her into a maniac and someone she really doesn’t want to be and that then makes you hate yourself which is how depression starts. All I can say to anyone who is exhausted, ask for help in any way you can, get someone to watch the kids, walk the dogs, don’t do the cleaning – it will be there tomorrow and the scary thing with depression is if you don’t deal with it – you might not be there tomorrow. People who care about you want you to be happy and well, I know asking for help is hard, fuck me do I know. However, if my last post is anything to go by you are not alone and you don’t want to be treading water the whole time because guess what? That will make you even more tired and even more crazy.