Category Archives: Feelings

Laying Dormant

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I have been acutely aware of late that ‘Woman on the Edge’ has been taking a back seat in my life, as has my depression, has it gone or is it just laying dormant?

Sadly, I believe the latter to be true and isn’t it strange that as it seems to rear it’s ugly head once more, what is the first thing I turn to? My blog. Why is that I wonder? It doesn’t answer back, it’s not judgemental, I can be truthful, I am not afraid when I am writing? I don’t know for sure, probably all of them in varying degrees. Nonetheless, I am back and I apologise for my absence.

Not that I really need to, as the reason I started this blog in the first place was just for me as a release but it became apparent, over time, that my ramblings were being read by people all over the world, 22 countries to date, a massive shock to me I can tell you. Why is that, I wonder again? Unfortunately, I think it’s because depression is world wide and based on the messages I have received in the past, many people gained solace from reading my posts, so again I apologise if I haven’t been there for you when you needed me. I shall do better from now on.

Life in the last six months has been really very good for me, finally things both health and career wise have been great, well in comparison to how they have been in the past that’s for sure.  However, recently, the last month or so I guess, I haven’t been feeling quite right, can’t quite put my finger on it, no obvious reason, things still going well, in fact, better than that really, some things have been bloody brilliant. Finally getting good paid acting jobs, gone back to riding, galloping and jumping, feeling alive and free and yet something isn’t quite right. Wake up in the morning in a mood, what’s that all about? No apparent reason, cross, agitated, hot and bothered. I have gone back to heaving on my dog walks and lost weight but why?

Don’t you just love that question, why? We ask it as if we expect to be supplied with, not only the answer but also the solution, no such luck. Especially when depression has a hand in it. My husband and I have had a few conversations trying to work out what’s wrong. “Have you got a black cloud?” he asks “I don’t think so” I answer, genuinely. And yet I am perplexed as to what is making me feel this way – answers on a postcard!

I fully understand that depression never really leaves you and that you deal with it by maintenance, by ‘you’ I mean ‘one’. What I don’t understand is how it can get you when you least expect it, i.e when life is great, I mean that’s not meant to happen surely? That’s just bloody unfair, it’s hard enough dealing with it when it makes sense and you can understand why you have it but when everything is going well and you can’t even enjoy that. Life can be such a cunt at times.

Strangely enough I have been meaning to write a blog for ages to say how well things have been going, as a kind of inspiration to all of you who struggle too. Only I didn’t and now here I am telling you when it’s gone wrong again. Human behaviour is decidedly odd, but then again, so am I so what do I expect?

I am not really sure what I am saying here, maybe that’s because I am not really sure what I am feeling, so finding it difficult to be specific. All I know is ‘Old Satan Claus is out there Jimmy’ – film, Last Boy Scout, seriously you didn’t think you would get a post without some sort of film reference did you? So if any of you out there can give me some insight as to what is going on and why I would be truly grateful.

I tell you what, next time I have a thought to post that something good that has happened, I promise I will.

Oh, as an aside, I am thinking of writing a book, telling my story, both good and bad but ultimately, hoping to spread the word on how depression first gets under your skin and then inside your mind until you reach a point that you don’t know there is anything else. What do you think?

 

 

 

Talk to a stranger

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I did and the impact on both of us was phenomenal.

Just over a week ago I happened to be in a space with only one other person, only that person wasn’t talking to me, instead they were pacing up and down looking agitated. Also, they were wearing shorts and trainers only it was late evening and if you don’t know the weather in the UK has been very cold lately.

So to break the ice, excuse the pun, I said “Do you mind me asking, are you an athlete or do you just dress like one?”. They replied, “No, well I was once but not anymore.” That in itself highlighted an issue, so I continued, “Do you mind me asking, are you ok?””Why do you ask?” They replied. “Because the way you are pacing suggested you might not be.” I said. “I always do that,” they said “burn off the energy.” “I do that too,” I said “When I am running away from something.” Then it all came out, what they told me was both heart wrenching and also completely explained their behaviour. Had I been in that situation, I would have been doing the same.

I am not going to tell you what they said because that would betray their trust. But rest assured it was enough to warrant pacing. They then continued to tell me they felt they couldn’t tell anyone, in fact I was the only one they had told. They were depressed, struggling to cope and thought their loved ones would have judgement on their choices and behaviour. Well they could have been right, they might. The thing is they were too afraid to find out, so they were living their crisis alone! How sad is that, no-one should live a crisis alone. We chatted for about 15 minutes, that’s all, nothing in ones lifetime and I said, “Thank you for having the strength to tell me.” and they replied with, “It’s easy to tell a stranger.”

So there we have it folks, if you are depressed and feel you can’t tell anyone, try telling a stranger or if you notice something about someone that would suggest something is wrong, ask them if they are ok. I appreciate they could get cross tell you it is none of your business, or even worse. Or you may get to have the experience I did and actually help someone, allow someone to lift the weight from their shoulders and share. Share their pain, share their grief, share their worries, whatever it is your kindness is going to allow someone to share something they may be too afraid to do with someone close to them. Imagine what a gift that would be to a fellow human.

You know how I know it is a gift? Because when we were just saying we should move on to our friends my stranger looked at me in a way I will never forget, straight to my heart, their eyes told me everything, their soul was so thankful, they didn’t need to say a word but they did, “Thank you for noticing and listening.” they said. When they left me, their physique and tone of voice had changed completely, they knew someone cared and that someone didn’t know them, they were just human and compassionate. We can all be that person.

Please don’t shy away from someone just because they are giving off negative vibes, it is likely they are not directed at you and more likely that they are in need of help, a shoulder to cry on, someone just to listen, not to pass judgement, not to take sides. There has not been a day since having spoken to my stranger that I haven’t thought about them. Stranger if you read this and I hope you do, you are not alone in your fears and concerns about life choices but no-one is perfect and nor should they strive to be as that will only bring disappointment. We are only human we make mistakes and have emotions and feelings so strong that logic fails to play a part but that is what makes us so unique and special.

I do my best not to ask people to like, comment and share my blog as it so often comes across as systematic and premeditated. However, on this occasion I actually implore you to like, comment and in particular share this story because I believe it is a way of helping people in need. Do not step away from the weirdo, they are not weird they are afraid and alone and need someone to listen, it is likely they know you can’t provide solutions but nonetheless, don’t you find the simple process of just talking through your problems allows a solution to present itself. It is possible that is all your stranger requires, all you will have done is listened for a few minutes and you may be able to transform someone else’s life, how amazing would that be?

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be thinner!

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Ok, so I am writing it when I am in it. I thought I couldn’t do this but I can. Here is an insight into what occurs, for me anyway, when darkness befalls.

Why is my blog entitled ‘I want to be thinner’? Well I will tell you, because it is as this stage of my depression that I convince myself that if I get thin enough I will eventually fade away and die. That way I don’t actually have to do it, kill myself I mean. Admittedly it is a much slower process and that is because I don’t actually want to die but I just don’t want to live either.

Maybe others feel the same, do you?

Or are you the opposite? When you feel the way I do, do you eat more? Then hate yourself for it, get heavier, feel fatter, feel you are useless. You are no different, despite what the media or government might say, when depression kicks in there are no written rules, it is whatever the fuck it likes.

And then I get to the next stage and this is not me being a drama queen, regardless of the fact I am an actor, this is the truth, reality, that thing we all hide from, it is here to get us, so be prepared. The next stage is when I want it to happen faster not an ailment but instant and terminal.

So where the fuck do you go from here?

I have decided not to tag anyone into this blog on facebook or twitter. Why would I, who the fuck would want to read this?

No-one I am sure but maybe someone somewhere can understand what I am saying?

Step away from the weirdo.

Does that happen to you, when people discover you have a mental illness do people avoid you? I am fortunate, so far, I have not experienced that,  I have an amazing group of supportive people, I guess that’s why am still here. You may not and if you don’t please for God sake, let someone know, me if you like.

I have nothing more to say right now.