Hi, sorry for my absence, for those of you that read my blog that is. I have been experiencing feelings and thoughts over the last few weeks that I wasn’t sure I could share.

How ridiculous is that? The point of my blog was to stop me going under but once I went under I felt I couldn’t write about it because it wasn’t funny or people didn’t want to read about that Liz, that’s not OK.

Well you know what? Mental health is not OK! Mental health doesn’t read my blog. My mental health is like another being inside my head, a self destruct being that takes all my positive vibes and crushes them like a nut. It says to me, “What you would like to feel and think no longer exists because I do”, your thoughts from hell, your inner being that is set to crush and kill you.

I appreciate this is not enjoyable reading but it is a must. I am in pain, both physically and mentally, I don’t want to be here anymore, I can’t take it any more. I have just recovered from 2 hip surgeries, to discover I am likely to need knee surgery. Which wouldn’t seem too bad if I hadn’t already had 3 knee surgeries, spine surgery, shoulder surgery and some gynecological surgery that I had actually forgotten about, on the account of the fact I have had so many surgeries I can’t actually count them anymore!

I am done!

There is something about mental health that is just not understood or not communicated or swept under the carpet. We are in pain here, even if it isn’t physical and you can’t see it. We are dying here. This is mental pain. A struggle so many of us have to endure and not only do so many not understand, so many don’t even know. We are afraid to tell them – will they leave us, will they laugh at us, will they believe us? You cannot define mental health and you know why? Because we are all individuals, we are unique and the pain we suffer is as unique.

The fact that it took me until I felt better to tell you this, tells you a lot. Society still isn’t comfortable with mental illness. Are they weird, will they hurt me, what’s wrong with them? I will tell you what is wrong with them/me it all got too much, after over a decade of pain and surgeries it gets too much, it’s possible it is not one specific thing and quite frankly why the fuck does it need to be?

I have no idea what anyone else feels like when their inner demon takes control, but for me I have 2 predominant experiences. Firstly, I have the voice inside my head, that I know is not mine but that in the present moment when everything is too much it tells me, “it’s best I end it now, I mean no one will benefit with me being alive, I am such a burden”. But I also experience a running commentary like nothing I have ever experienced before, for instance: I will be talking and my inner speech/personality however you want to view it, will be saying “OK stop talking now, that’s enough” only I continue to talk and so it continues “oh brilliant, I am still talking aren’t I? Haven’t I done enough damage but yet I continue to ruin my life, my marriage or in fact anything else that means anything to me, why don’t I stop?”

I’ll tell you why you don’t stop  – because you are not in control. As much as people will beg to differ, mental illness is not something someone decides to do, you are not in control. I have never been more afraid in my life than when I was prepared to kill myself when my mental state had reached a state that no rational/logical intervention was possible. Guess what? Someone you know and love, or in fact you are feeling the same, they/you are afraid, they/you don’t really want to die but their/your inner demon tells them/you that is the only viable option. My suggestion, speak up, that’s what I did and I do, whenever I recognise the signs I start to tell people. I understand that is not so easy for some of you but I implore you to do the best you can to let others know. If that is still too much for you, then tell me, you can email me at lizbishop@btinternet.com I have never given out my email address like this so please don’t abuse it, this is for people that are in need.

When I get like this I don’t understand my purpose on earth, I mean, what am I doing here? I don’t do anything in particular, so I might as well not be here. So I wonder if it is OK to ask for some help? If you are reading this and I have ever said anything or done anything that has been of any use or inspiration to you, please let me know. The reason I ask? Just knowing your family loves you is sometimes not enough, you need to see the bigger picture. What is the point of me?