I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I love this poem, so much so I put it in the front of my book, Nicodemus and the Flight of Argus.

I first heard it watching G.I Jane and it really resonated with me. I have always done my best not to feel self pity, just get on with it don’t feel sorry for yourself it won’t help matters, but I am beginning to question whether I am right?

I know I don’t want to indulge in self pity, that doesn’t do anyone any good, or those around them. However, I do wonder if it is ok to feel sorry for yourself every once in a while?

The reason I ask this is because right now I am feeling a little sorry for myself, I know that may sound ludicrous for someone who is on holiday surrounded by people she loves and who love her but let me explain. I spent 8 months saving for my contribution towards the holiday, I know that probably doesn’t sound much  but I have not been able to work much the last couple of years and wanted to make something really special happen once I was able to work again, sadly it was a bit short lived as I then had to have 2 hip surgeries, nonetheless, I did manage to save a lot of money and was exceedingly proud of myself.

Originally, I was only meant to have 1 hip operated on, so I could be well enough for my holiday and finish my rehab while I was away. However, my hip had been in a far worse state than expected so, once I got to 6 weeks post op my surgeon suggested I got the other one done quickly, as it didn’t look anything like as bad and I should only be on crutches for 3 days and would be fine for my holiday. Perfect I thought and booked in hip number 2. You can imagine my shock when I woke up after surgery to discover not only was it worse than the first, it was in fact the worst my surgeon had ever seen, a lot more work had been done and my recovery was going to be much slower than anticipated.

The result, still on crutches when I get on holiday, although I am very pleased to say they are gone now but my walking is decidedly suspect. I had to wait 5 days to be able to go in the swimming pool because the wound still hadn’t healed, I can’t go in the sea because I am not strong enough and I am finding it very difficult to walk on the sand. Everyone has to wait for me all of the time and my condition is affecting what we can do each day and the pain is way worse than I imagined it would be.

So is it ok to feel sorry for myself?

On a logical level, I know that everything was done for the right reasons and I am away for a long time so, by the time I come home, I really should be fit and well. I am able to rest and relax so really shouldn’t have anything to complain about. On an emotional level, however, I am finding it very difficult, I worked so hard to pay for this holiday and I feel so restricted and pathetic and guilty for the fact those around me are having their time away affected by me.

So to answer my own question, I think it is ok to feel sorry for yourself – occasionally! If only to allow yourself to have the emotion you feel, if something has gone wrong it is very likely you will feel strongly about it. So have that feeling, let it out, experience it to the full and then work on accepting it – that’s the hard bit (and another blog) although, having said that, allowing ourselves to release an emotion can be near on impossible for some of us.

I spent  so long refusing to feel sorry for myself and trying to be strong all of the time, I had virtually lost the ability to feel or even recognise an emotion. It wasn’t until I started training as an actor that I fully understood what I had done to myself. I now work hard to spot when something is going on inside me that needs to come out, it takes a lot of time to learn how to do it all over again but it is worth it.

My blog today is inspired by the great words of Stella Adler “in your choices lies your talent”. I have often been reminded of this quote by my lovely acting coaches from LA, however, this mantra is as relevant in life as it is in acting.

The reason for choosing this, is because I have been struggling to do my blog in the last week, the reason being, I am on holiday so everything is different, I don’t have my normal routine, I have to make different choices. Do I lie in the sun – or write my blog? Do I have a cocktail in the sunset – or write my blog. As you have probably guessed the sun and a cocktail  (or two) have won.

So what’s the big deal, well, I enjoy writing my blog and some of my readers specifically asked if I would still be doing it on holiday, “Yes, of course” I said in haste, without taking into account that it might not be as straight forward as I expected. The thing is, I feel that I have been letting myself and them down but why?  It’s my blog and I started it to help me keep my mental state under control whilst recovering from surgery and it has indeed been a huge help, so why do I feel this way?

The answer to this is monumental, so you will be relieved to here I am going to attempt the concise version. I love to help people both in a physical and mental sense and often choose to do that over doing things for me. This in itself is a good quality, I believe, unless of course you do it too much and then you can find yourself frustrated that you don’t have time for you, I may occasionally fall into this category! My blog seems to have found a happy medium, not only do I get to do something for me that is creative, stops me going to the dark side and I can do it sitting down but also, so I’ve been told, people are both enjoying and finding them helpful. Therefore, although choosing to lie in the sun and have a cocktail seemed like the perfect choice at the time, it has resulted in me feeling stressed, the last thing you want on holiday.

So today, I chose to plan my day differently, I have still been in the sun and my cocktail will still be waiting for me as the sun goes down, yet I have managed to fit in a blog as well, is it a miracle, have I finally invented the 36 hour day? No of course not, although it would be bloody handy, Instead, I chose not to do my physio exercises, I know they are really important and in fact vital for my recovery but it is because I know that, that I do them religiously! What I didn’t know was it is as important to do my blog, I have been so fixed on improving my physical condition that I was not recognising  my mental one was suffering. Now obviously, I can’t keep choosing my blog over my exercises that would be plain stupid but now I have realised what was happening, I will set about making different choices every day so I get a balance of what I need to keep me both physically and mentally well.

I know we often feel as if we don’t have a choice but we always do, even in the most horrific circumstances you have more than one option, although it is likely they are all unfavourable, you still have more than one. Do you ever find yourself saying you had no choice? If so, is that really what you meant? We have the ability to create a life for ourselves that is happy and calm, when I say that I mean internally, not happy that you have a new car or calm because you smoked a spliff. If you spend some time to think about the choices you are making and realise they are not helping you towards happy and calm, maybe you could have a think about changing them, they’re your choices after all. I know they affect others and all choices have consequences so it could take some time and possibly guts to make them but I didn’t say it was easy to make a choice, just that you had the ability to do so.

Good luck and when I have my cocktail this evening I shall raise a toast to ‘happy and calm’.

As a life coach, I would ordinarily say follow your goals because dreams are things that happen when you are not conscious, so why would you follow them? In particular, if you had my dreams you wouldn’t want to follow them, my therapist called them ‘night terrors’ I think that is probably because when I have them, I terrorise  everyone in the house with my screaming. So much so that on one occasion all 3 kids were woken up and ran into our bedroom because they thought we were being attacked, brilliant! Sorry about that kids.

However, having said that, last night I had a dream that I was in a film with Tom Hardy, still smiling! As an actor, that would seriously tick all the boxes. So I have decided to follow my dream and set about getting myself into a film with Tom Hardy.

Ok, so how many of you are now, sighing, laughing, tutting, shaking your head etc Most of you I expect and understandably so, what a ridiculous idea. Do I care? Do I f**k! That’s the great thing with your dreams/goals, they are yours and no-one else’s and ultimately you are the only one who can make them happen, so who cares what other people think? Well, nearly all of us I think, why is it that we let other people drag us and our ideas down, just because they don’t believe we can do it? In my opinion, which is of course the only one I can give you, is that, it’s because they believe they can’t do it, or wouldn’t want to do it themselves or are jealous at the thought of us achieving it, so they tell us we are being silly or ‘aiming to high’ I really despise that one! Well I say – to hell with everyone else and go for it, you only live once, or as we say in our family “you only die once” we feel that is more permanent and therefore gives you more incentive to make the best of your life.

I have done something similar once before, although it wasn’t actually a dream, instead I woke up one morning with the name Nicodemus in my head, just couldn’t shift it. It was bugging me so much that I looked it up in a name book, it means ‘conqueror for the people’. What a superb name for a hero I thought and set about telling his story, a year later I had written and published my book, ‘Nicodemus and the Flight of Argus’. I couldn’t believe it, not only have i struggled with words and spelling my whole life, I didn’t read my first novel until I was 30, I was so slow at reading I was just too embarrassed to try. But also, my English teacher had told me I had no imagination, isn’t it awful how just one sentence can have such a profound impact on a person’s life – be very careful what you say to people, particularly children, they are so impressionable. Nonetheless, I had done it, I had an idea, it seemed preposterous at the time but with the help of a few very special people who supported me wholeheartedly, you need that when you set goals, I did it!

So to sum up this blog, my advice to you is that, if you have a dream or a goal, it really doesn’t matter what you call it because it’s yours, find a select few, or even just one will be enough, who will believe in you and support you and that may not be as easy as it sounds, you may find you need to look further afield but you will find them, if you really want to make your dream happen and then get to work, be committed, innovative, determined,  patient, and inspired and I quote, “If you build it, he will come.” from the wonderful film, Field of Dreams.

Good luck to you all and I would love to hear your dreams and how they are coming along.

Quick aside here, I was chatting to my friend today, who has been reading my blog, when I discovered she didn’t realise she could get sent a notification whenever I add a post. So, if you would like to make it easier to follow my blog, please click the ‘follow’ button to the right of this text, thanks.

This particular friend was also the inspiration for today’s blog. She was telling me that she wasn’t well today and that I was to excuse her if she had to leave the room promptly. I then made my way across the room and up onto the couch, no not therapy, at least not today anyway! She then said, “Says me, as you limp across the room, having had surgery”. I thought it was important to point out to her that, ‘Pain is relative’ and that it is only possible to endure the pain you are in and not that of others. Naturally, you can and probably should symapthise with another person’s pain but by no means should you diminish your own.

In fairness, this is not the first time this has happened, I have often had people start to tell me how they feel and then stop and say, “Well, I really shouldn’t complain because in comparison to you, I have nothing to complain about.”

Says who? Complain away, if for no other reason, it gives me the opportunity to stop thinking about my pain! It gives me the chance to see if and how I may be able to help you, opposed to the constant reminder that I need help from everyone else.

Who decides whose pain is worse anyway? Not me, that’s for sure, in fact, in my opinion no one does. Not wishing to repeat myself but I will because it’s my blog, ‘Pain is relative’ everyone’s experience to the same situation is different, therefore, when pain is involved each person’s experience will be different.

Ironically enough, I can tolerate major surgery quite well, fortunately, as it is a regular pass time of mine, however, when it comes to a paper cut, now you’re talking, that hurts like no ones business, then I feel loads of pain, so why is that? I think that when we know something big, surgery or otherwise, is coming then we mentally prepare ourselves to protect us and those around us who care. When we are taken by surprise, that is something totally different and if I was a gambler, I would put money on the fact that most people complain about pain when it is unexpected. Not that that is relevant, or important because that’s not actually my point, I am just throwing it out there for anyone who might have an opinion.

My point is, yes I am finally getting to it, don’t feel guilty because you believe someone else’s pain is worse than yours. Instead, be real, tell them the truth, it might be just what they need, don’t make assumptions, don’t decide for them that they don’t need to hear about your pain, that’s not your choice it’s theirs.

I would just like to mention, I am talking about physical pain here and not emotional, that is a whole different ball game and requires it’s own separate blog, if not a Theseus. For instance, when telling someone they have broken your heart, what you might mean is “you have malfunctioned my highly strung, over sensitive, unpredictable, irrational and highly temperamental emotional ability to function.” Can you actually imagine saying that to  someone, I mean, really!

What a very arduous and challenging job this is but fortunately, it is also incredibly rewarding, well it is if you ever mange to get your film off the ground.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated at how many amazing projects are just not getting made, due to the fact funding is so incredibly difficult to get and yet watching films has to be one of Britain’s (and possibly global) most popular pass times. What are we going to do about it?

I am fortunate enough to have read copious superb scripts but sadly many have never made it off the page, I know a lot is to do with the people involved in a project and being inventive, tenacious and down right stubborn, however, all those qualities may still not get you the money you need. Alternatively, you can opt to not pay anyone, I have acted in and helped produce many of these but there comes a point when enough is enough, people in the arts have to earn a living as well. Why is it that we train, learn our craft and entertain others, yet people seem so reluctant to pay us for our skills, what exactly is that all about? What makes us any less skilled then a PA? Yet it would seem outrageous and shocking to not pay a PA.

I wish I had the answer, I really do. The beg & borrow approach can be very effective too and don’t get me wrong I have seen some spectacular films made on a very limited budget but these people get so close to losing everything for their dream, or am I missing the point? Is that what drives us to succeed, the fight against losing it all? Even if it is, I am not sure it is either a healthy or necessary way to get our creations out into the world.

On a more positive note, the independent market is such a great place to be. I have always found such a great bond is formed on and off set, the good thing with lack of money is there is no room for divas or indeed anyone with high demands, they simply aren’t going to be there. I have created long term friendships from as little as a day’s filming because we are essentially all on the same page – the script – that we want to see get made and that unity creates something very special.

Crowd funding is without doubt a superb invention for our industry and has helped an enormous amount of projects, that may never have seen the light of day, get made. One in particular springs to mind, I had been in contact with the writer/director for a while and I was lucky enough to get a ticket for the premiere. It was a brilliant film and I was so glad to have been there to experience the emotion in the room. The writer/director had been on a heart wrenching yet inspirational journey and we were all there routing for him.  I am thrilled that the film has gone on to do really well and he has now moved onto more projects.

So what is it that really makes things happen, is it funding or is it the true grit of the people behind the project? I suspect it is a bit of both but would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.I do also wonder if there is something more we can do in joining together to support each others work, there is so much great stuff to be made and seen it would be such a waste of great talent if it wasn’t.

I would like to thank everyone who supports the independent film market and send all of you currently trying to get projects off the ground, the best of luck and if you are, please fell free to tell me about them.