To everyone who helped make my daughter’s surprise birthday/welcome home party a great success.

In early January, having only recently stopped using crutches from my previous surgery, I came up with idea of having a surprise party for my daughter when she returned from her 6 weeks traveling. Little did I know, that I would be on crutches again for the party, the fact I was meant, I was next to bloody useless and had to have a phenomenal amount of help.

Isn’t it incredible how difficult organising a surprise party is, the amount of bullshit stories you have to come up with and the number of times you mess up and need to make up cover stories is ridiculous, well for us it was anyway. Unbelievably, we got to last night and my daughter didn’t know, I decided to tell her about an hour before it happened, so she could get ready, I don’t know about you but as much as surprises are great, I do think it is nice to be wearing something that fits the occasion.

Due to the fact that I am surrounded by the most amazing family and friends everything was ready. On arrival, my dad asked if he could help in anyway, I said no and that he should find my best friend and give her lots of cuddles. A few minutes later, my mum popped in to ask what exactly my dad’s instructions had been, when I told her, she just smiled and said “well he is definitely doing as he has been asked!”

Getting the food prepared the day before and served on the night was a huge team effort, at one point it felt like half the guests were in the kitchen with me. It’s a really difficult thing being unable to do what you would ordinarily do by yourself, I used to run an outside catering company with my best friend, so cooking for 30 people is not a problem for me, that is of course until I can’t carry anything!  You see normally, I would be in the kitchen on my own, invariably missing the party and when people offer to help I automatically say no because I don’t t want them to miss the party either. Yet, when you have no choice it changes everything and when we were all in the kitchen together, despite me being incredibly frustrated, we had great fun. There was something more than that going on though, under all the silly banter and laughing, we were working as one, the room was full of love and care and I don’t mean in a slushy Mills and Boone kind of way I mean in an unspoken way, by everyone’s actions and as we all know actions speak louder than words.

After dinner the playlists I had prepared came on and the beer pong started, the best player and dancer award definitely goes to my best friend’s husband. Although not wishing to be out done, my son did put on a pretty impressive show, dancing with his top off resembling something one could imagine seeing on Magic Mike – totally jealous as I avoid showing my prosecco belly at all costs! Watching people dance is also difficult, as I love to dance and not a casual step round your hand bag type affair either, I mean, your totally go for it type affair! I was restricted to the weight on one leg, wave your hands in the air like a muppet dance. Fortunately, I was able to do the Status Quo dance as no leg movement is required, however, quite how my husband and I didn’t knock each other out I will never know as we were having serious rhythm issues.

As often happens when drinking is involved, we had an injury and I am mortified that I caused it. One of my friends was attempting to open a door, that is renowned for sticking, so I gave it the necessary push and to my horror her finger was caught in it, thankfully it didn’t appear to be broken but it was bleeding and the nail started turning black instantly. The weird thing was that I seemed to go into shock and not her, very unusual for me as I am very good in those sorts of situations. The only thing I can think of is that, this friend has been so wonderful the last few months, I would have been lost without her and instead of showing her the gratitude I felt, I had hurt her. Not at all the way I wanted the party to end but in the great words of Mick Jagger “You can’t always get what you want”. Which has just reminded me, there was another contender for the best dancer, my neighbour does the most awesome impression of Mick Jagger, she had me in hysterics. I am going to end on that thought!

Have you ever found yourself saying ” I didn’t have time”? If so, what do you think you were really saying?

The reason I bring this up is because I didn’t do a post yesterday and when we were going to bed my husband asked, “have you done your blog?” I answered with a simple, “No.” I could easily have said, ‘I didn’t have time’ but if I had, I wouldn’t have been being honest with myself.

I didn’t do my blog because I didn’t want to, I didn’t have a very good day yesterday, I don’t mean in what I did, in fact that was awesome. I met up with a dear friend who I haven’t seen for ages and had lunch with her and my 3 kids and then I went out for supper to celebrate my daughter’s home coming (after 6 weeks traveling)  and her birthday. So why on earth did I not have a good day? Mental health doesn’t work that way, just because you are doing great things doesn’t mean you are having a great time. I will discuss this more in another post because I really wanted to talk about ‘time’ in this one.

Not having enough time, is such an interesting concept, we seem to go through life being so busy and yet we don’t have time to do so many things that we want or theoretically need to do. So, again, I ask you, when you find yourself saying “I didn’t have time” what do you think you are really saying? Is it like me and you didn’t want to, or was it you were afraid to, or maybe you were embarrassed to, or felt pressured to…The list is endless but each one is more likely to be the accurate answer and not the fact you didn’t have time.

When you allocate time to think about why you didn’t have any, it’s amazing what comes to the surface and ok, you may not want it to, which is precisely why you disguised it in the first place but nonetheless it’s an incredibly good insight into what you are not doing, feeling, addressing etc

What are you hiding from and why? If you really want to do something you find the time don’t you, I mean, you will always manage to fit in your favourite TV programme or a trip to the pub or visiting facebook or putting in the extra hours to get that promotion etc. It may be as simple as you haven’t prioritized your time very well but generally, it is likely to be because you are not being authentic about why you haven’t done something.

I have been making the effort for a while now to not use the phrase “I didn’t have time” instead I will say “I didn’t make time” or “No, I didn’t I do it” or “I chose to do something else instead” or “I didn’t want to” all of these are authentic reasons for having not done something. It’s not easy though, being authentic often isn’t because it means you open up your true feelings on a subject, something we often prefer to hide, the simple phrase “I’m fine” is probably the absolute classic!

So your mission, if you choose to accept it, is next time you find yourself just about to say “I didn’t have time” a bit like the control issue in my ‘Pancake Day’ post, take a breath, step back and actually think about why you didn’t do it and then give the honest answer. I bet you shock the hell out of yourself, I know I do. Once the shock has passed, you will feel empowered and the chances are you will have highlighted something you may not have been aware of.

Good luck and please do let me know how it felt.

I am beginning to believe that despite having had a career as a cook, albeit many moons ago, that my kitchen is out to get me, or maybe it’s just the other people in it!

Having completely over indulged during his pub lunch, my son declares that pudding has beaten him and could he have it as a take out, he is allowed to bring home his apple crumble and custard, happy days. After a couple of hours have passed he decides he has made room and heads for the microwave, via the fridge obviously. As no heating instructions are supplied with left overs brought home from the pub, he guesses how long it will take to heat up.

I happen to be in the kitchen at the time, I am sure, doing something incredibly important, when the microwave pings. He asks if I could check if I thought it was hot enough – having passed his catering GCSE he is very concerned about re-heating temperatures.  Naturally, I nonchalantly sashay my way across the kitchen to the proudly offered apple crumple and custard. Without hesitation, or thought, I plunged my open hand flat down into the bowl, my son looked across at me and I at him ‘wtf?’ he splatter’s, I look down at my hand, ‘wtf’ I reply, ok maybe I shouldn’t allow my 17 yr old to speak that way but ‘wtf’ he is mine and parenting is a totally unique experience, I will get to that in another blog. So here we are, standing in front of the microwave, me with my right hand dripping with custard, him with his mouth aghast.

Once we were both able to enunciate real words we managed to establish the fact that when I microwave food, I always cling film it, for 2 reasons: Firstly, so it doesn’t make a bloody mess all over the microwave, that I have to clear up and secondly, I can plunge my hand into the middle of it to check the temperature, without receiving 3rd degree burns!

Fortunately, the apple crumble and custard were not hot enough, my hand was saved, although I am not sure how the crumble felt!

This also reminds me of an instance when we had homemade crumble at home, I know that sounds wrong but how many establishments offer homemade food, who’s home I wonder? Besides, we had crumble and the kids wanted custard and grandma was coming for lunch! No way am I using a ready made custard (ish) I wouldn’t use a finished product but a powder you can add milk to is apparently ok. Now, as my best friend knows, I have scan reading issues, which generally means I don’t actually read anything properly and the instructions for the custard fit into that category. Long story short, lumpy muck – gutted, as I can actually produce a perfectly delicious creme anglaise when I put my mind to it.

It sounds like there should be a moral to this story but hey not everything in life is that straight forward, a bit like making packet custard. If life came with instructions, I am pretty sure I would scan read them. I am not designed to conform, I am not entirely sure if that is a defect or a gift but ‘wtf’ it’s my life.

I just couldn’t resist writing about pancake day, especially as I didn’t even know that it was until 5pm!

However, as soon as I did it was back in that kitchen with my cumbersome crutches. Only this time I had even more helpers and far less carnage. How lucky am I that my children are all now of the age that they can cook but even better, they want to. So all hands on deck to make the batter then, I made the first few and took great pride in watching them being devoured with lemon, sugar, Nutella and ice cream. Finally my turn, delicious, I always forget how much I love them, that might have something to do with the fact that I only remember to make them once a year!

But that wasn’t the best bit, that came when I was told to sit and they would take over and I got to watch with pride as they efficiently made each other and me, more fabulous pancakes. The icing on the pancake was when they all cleared up, no need to ask, no disputes, no hesitation. I was being looked after by the ones I have looked after for 19 years, how wonderful it felt and how proud I was. I know it wasn’t a 3 course meal, although they can make them too, it was the fact there was such harmony and fun in the centre of our home.

I am not pleased that I need looking after at my age and it is by no means the first time and with my body, unlikely to be the last. However, it has taught me a valuable lesson about control, as much as we think we might, we do not need to be in control of everything all the time. It adds such unnecessary pressure to an already stressful life. I fully appreciate it is easier said than done and I have spent years fighting my natural desire to control but now after multiple surgeries putting me in a position where I have no control, I am far more relaxed about life and realise the importance of just going with the flow and riding the wave.

I have had a lot more fun taking a step back and letting others grow because when we feel the need to control everything we can actually hinder everyone else’s chances to blossom. Ok, so things take longer and they may not be just how you like them but remember this, when someone offers to help, that is probably because they care about you and want your life to be easier, if you turn them down or constantly tell them how to do it, you run the risk of hurting their feelings and making them feel useless. When you watch someone do something for you just because they love you, it is empowering for you both.

If you have a tendency to want to control things or have the urge to take over, try taking a breath and step back. It might be incredibly difficult the first few times and the results might not be as good as yours but does that really matter? Not everything is that important trust me, what is important though, is putting your faith in others so they can then have faith in themselves.

Today’s blog has been inspired by a dear friend, who sadly I haven’t seen in a long time, who has very kindly become a follower of my blog.

I have decided to write about the unusual things us actor’s do in order to learn our craft and step outside of our comfort zone. I did some of my training with this particular friend and it was during that training that ‘Walking like a penguin’ became a phrase and vision that will stay with me forever.

It was very early in our training, during an exercise that involved going up on stage in pairs with the objective to get the audience to watch us and not the other person. The shenanigans that took place were hilarious but none quite as funny, for me anyway, as my friend’s turn. Up until this point she had been a very quiet member of the group but up on that stage I finally saw how comedic and mischievous she really was, the challenge was going against her and she had to pull something out of the bag, when all of a sudden she put on a performance that would put Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins to shame. I wouldn’t be able to justify what she did by trying to put it into words but when she came off the stage and I asked her WTF she was doing, she just looked at me with a wry smile and said “Walking like a penguin”.

It was incredible how she shone up on that stage and her true colours came out. I find it very interesting how the journey from floor to stage can transform a person. It is a shame we aren’t comfortable enough to have that strength to be true to our real selves down on the floor of life.

I remember an audition I did for the lead in a feature, 1st round was held with a group of us all going for the same role, that is such a hideous experience but it does happen so you have to learn to handle it. We were given a variety of exercises, one of which was to act as if we were possessed, I decided just to go for it and by the end I had ripped my jacket off and nearly broken a stool, don’t really know what happened but suddenly felt I was being stared at by everyone else, then one lady said – “I’ll have what she’s having!”  I felt exposed and wondered ‘had I gone over the top?’ I guess not because I got the role, so I am really glad I had the gumption to put aside my fear of what everyone else was going to think. Something, again, we so often find hard to do in real life, I say real life because ultimately,  acting is just pretend.

We spend so much of our time being so worried about what everyone else thinks that, if we are not careful we we will lose who we really are and the fun life has to offer along the way. Firstly, I use ‘we’ as a general term as I expect not all of us struggle all of the time but I am pretty sure the behaviour is universal. Secondly, I am not suggesting we stop taking other people into account, far from it, that would be disrespectful and not beneficial to enjoying life. What I am suggesting is that every so often you take a risk, do something you know you want to but are worried about what other people think. This is your life after all and you only have a short time to fit a hell of a lot in.

Take this blog for instance, it has taken me two years to have the strength to do it because I was so worried about what other people would think. Eventually, I couldn’t handle it any more gave myself a good telling off and went for it, I am so glad I did.

One last thought, another acting class, performing a comedy piece. My objective – don’t let my scene partner leave, his objective, get the hell out! Without doubt one of the silliest scenes I have ever done. We did everything we could think of to complete our objective and at one point I was hanging on to his leg and he was dragging me across the stage. We remained true to the piece the whole time, being aware it was a very serious situation for our characters but at the same time having loads of fun, as were the rest of the class!

So go on be silly – it’s ok you know!

And no, I haven’t made a mistake, I don’t mean ‘My Left Foot’ the award wining film starring Daniel Day Lewis. Although, if I had started my blog 8 weeks ago, it would indeed have had the title ‘My Left Foot’.

Lost? I would be.

I have just got into bed, my main occupation these days, having forgotten to put my bed socks on, bear with me, when my left foot was horribly traumatized due to coming into contact with my right one, prior to surgery, a reasonably non offense part of my anatomy, not any more! My Right foot can now only be described as a size 6 ice cube, the shock I get when it accidentally brushes against any other body part, is quite disturbing. If I wasn’t reasonably sure I was still alive, I would be offering myself to a forensic science lab.

I do regular physio exercises, involving flapping my foot around like a fish out of water but no, it refuses to behave. Instead the freezing temperatures head north, giving a whole new meaning to the word dead leg. Admittedly, it is worse for my husband though, can you imagine sidling up to your loved one, only to find they are ice cold! Although it saves having to think of Andrew Lloyd Webber, seeing as some areas are currently off limits.

Needless to say, it is a bizarre experience and one I wish I wasn’t having. However, it is still not as bizarre as having my second spinal nerve block. So there I am back on the slab, only this time, due to the spinal fusion I have had, the proceedure is not quite as straight forward as the last. The guy in the mask and scrubs (apologies, can’t remember his title) is having major difficulties finding the right nerve to dig his enormous needle into. After 6 attempts and a local anesthetic with each, he succeeds. Yay! All I need to do now is have a cup of tea in the waiting room (how terribly British) to be sure I don’t pass out etc. All good, husband gets up ready to go, I get up ready to go and promptly collapse, it would appear I no longer have feeling in my left leg. He basically drags me out of the hospital with one leg flailing behind and me in the fits of the giggles because to any on lookers I must have looked completely shit faced. 7 hours later, I finally get the feeling back – now that was weird!

At least I can still walk and I will continue to fight all the bullshit that goes on inside my body, so I can walk for as long as possible. At least I have that opportunity, some people don’t!

Feeling a little weary after a 6 hour session with one of my acting students. It was difficult enough dealing with such a long day, after only having had surgery last week but the session was also incredibly emotionally draining for us both.

We had to deal with an emotional block and for those of you who are actors you will be familiar with this term, not that I am suggesting that those of you who aren’t, won’t be but it is a very common occurrence in learning to act.

My job as a teacher is to recognise when a student has hit an emotional block, that in itself is relatively straight forward. The difficulty lies in how to address it, it is very important that I understand them very well, how they respond, react & process the comments given to them.

But this doesn’t only apply to actors, in fact, in a way we are the lucky ones because we get to release our emotions in a safe environment, or at least it should be, and then use them to our advantage – to entertain the rest of you! Sadly, emotional blocks happen to us all, admittedly in varying degrees but over time from a very young age we start to shut off our emotions – we are upsetting people, it isn’t appropriate, we are embarrassing, so we take these negative thoughts on board and begin to become conditioned – we must not re-offend!

The thing is, in my opinion, this is very dangerous, we lose complete control and connection with our emotions, we shelve them, block them, hide them, in fact anything we can do to display the fact that ‘we are fine’, we are not fine, it is unlikely that anyone reading this, let alone the rest of the planet, is really fine. Why should we pretend we are? I am not suggesting that everyone is having a terrible time but I am reasonably sure that we are all experiencing certain things that spark an emotion. Yet we do our utmost to disguise it, what the bloody hell is that all about? If we are sad we should be able to cry, if we are happy we should be able to giggle uncontrollably, and if we are angry we should be perfectly entitled to show it. But do we?

Like hell we do, we see it as a weakness for some reason, more so the sadness/crying aspect but to be frank, any emotion, particularly in Britain, that is anything more than well contained is seen as an interference with proceedings. Well, you know what I think, of course you don’t as this is my blog, I think we should allow emotions back into our conditioned world and I don’t mean spending your life crying hysterically – that is more likely to occur due to years of suppression.  I mean, that when you feel sad, angry, guilty, jealous, happy, sexy and any others, that you embrace it, see what happens, ok you might sob on the office, so what! You will feel better, who cares if they don’t, it isn’t their emotion, it’s yours and without it, you aren’t being true to your uniqueness as a human.

When someone is crying, hug them – do not tell them to stop. When someone is laughing, laugh with them – do not tell them to be quiet. When someone is angry, ask them why and can you help – do not tell them they shouldn’t be. And so it goes on, we were given the ability to feel, so for goodness sake – let’s feel – it is so empowering, so refreshingly real and so personal to us, it is ours and no one can take it away from us.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, please feel free to share your opinions, like, share, comment. In fact, why not tell me how you are feeling right now, I mean really feeling, not what you think you should tell me.

Best wishes, Liz

So, day 2 of my blog, overwhelmed at the support I have received with my latest venture. Which has really made me think about the support I receive in general. Actually, I think about that all the time, it just sounded like a good link.

I would like to dedicate today’s blog to friends, not all friends, as some are not always by your side and live far away. I mean the friends that are close to you, geographically, the others I will comment on in another post.

I have the most amazing group of friends and without them, this blog, let alone my existence would not be here.

I have gone through life finding it difficult to build female friendships, quite why I am not sure and my husband, family members and friends all have a variety of opinions on this matter. However, I currently find myself in the most fortunate position of having more (female) friends in my life than I have ever had before and I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I feel loved, supported, empowered, appreciated and respected, I did not believe you could ever feel all those things individually, let alone at once!

The last couple of years have been particularly difficult for me but somewhere in the universe it was decided that the anti should be upped and the last 2 months have seriously taken the biscuit. Not only have I undergone 2 (almost) major hip ops but numerous other situations have occurred, not to be divulged – to protect the innocent. Nevertheless, these circumstances have put me right on the edge of survival, once again. So much so, I ran away on New Year’s Eve, without so much as a goodbye, no-one  knew where I was or whether I was safe but the voice in my head was louder than that of a logical solution, so I went. Bedlam ensued and eventually I was found, all was well and no-one was hurt. And the reason I mention this? Not one of my friends bat an eyelid, they all know and understand what I have been through and how I am feeling but even better than that, they didn’t sweep it under the carpet as if it hadn’t happened, they spoke to me about it, they tried to see how they could help me. Now the chances are that they wouldn’t have been able to because for any of you that know what it is like when you mind says enough, against your better judgement, no-one can really help but the thing is they tried. Now that, my friends is worth it’s weight in gold.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that not only do I dedicate this post to my friends but also my life. I have received so much love, support, care, encouragement and trust in the last couple of months that I feel reborn, and I don’t mean in a biblical sense, I mean that, despite the fact I battle with constant demons in my head telling me I am no good, not worth it, not capable etc I have a group of friends that beg to differ and are prepared to take on that demon head on and do what they can to keep it at bay. That is was I call friendship, no judgement, no conditions just being there.

To my dearest friends, you know who you are, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I thank you for being by my side, in my thoughts and in my heart. You keep me sane, you keep me alive and for as long as I have you, I will be eternally grateful.

Please feel free to make comments, even about my spelling and grammar, I may be unstable but I am not particularly precious.

So after 2 years of procrastinating, I have finally started my blog.

Today’s post relates to cooking on crutches, when only allowed to weight bear on one leg. For those of you whom have been unfortunate enough to need crutches, you will know that just the most basic of tasks, e.g walking, can be very problematic. So why then, would anyone decide to embark on a new recipe that requires a lot of work? Search me but then I would say that because I did it.

Enlisted with the help of my beautiful assistant, namely, one grunting teenage son, I set about creating a wonderful new dish for the partridge he had provided after a days shooting. Gallantly, with no forethought whatsoever, I toss the partridge in seasoned flour and place it in the frying pan with melted butter. So what’s the big deal, the big deal is the fact that after doing so, your hands are stuck together with something vaguely resembling paper mache, which, under normal circumstances is indeed, no big deal. However, being held prisoner by said walking devices, I suddenly realised I was stuck, grunting teenage son had already left the room due to immense boredom. So, I was then in the humiliating position of calling for help. Help arrived in the form of my very own washing up bowl filled with soapy water and placed by my side, fortunately, I could continue my masterpiece. All very well but have you ever tried carrying a hot frying pan whilst using 2 crutches? No, me neither and I won’t ever again.

End result, after some significant amount of time had passed and absolute carnage had filled the kitchen with enough flour on the oven to bake a cake and wine and spices all over the work top that would have probably made a jolly good mulled wine, dinner was ready.

And if I do say so myself, it was bloody awesome! Not entirely sure it was a sensible choice but then if we went through life only making sensible choices, what would we learn? Today, I ate an oven ready made meal for dinner, any thoughts on what I learnt?