Day 1 – Three hundred words

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking “Day 1 of what?), have a quick read of this explanation:

I have set myself a challenge and need your help, (please).

Day 1

How can it be that hard? Three hundred words? I mean, that’s basically a shopping list and a to-do list, right? Actually, you probably don’t even need the shopping list, we all have so much to do each day. That has to be three hundred words. Having said that, I don’t imagine you will get a tremendous amount of pleasure from reading my to-do list. Therefore, I need to write something of interest, gain or amusement. But still, three hundred words a day, surely I can do that. Clearly not. I decided four days ago to start, and today is my first attempt. Why is it so hard? I want to write. I have a story to tell. I want to help people. And yet, I don’t. I find every reason I can think of not to do it. What the hell is that all about? Well, I can tell you. Procrastination, due to fear of rejection, people won’t find it interesting, good enough or get value from it. No one would want to hear my story anyway, I am a nobody. A nobody with a story to tell. Isn’t everyone? Or should I say, hasn’t everyone (a stoy to tell, that is)? Tell me a bit about you and I am all ears, I love to hear about other peoples lives, the good and bad bits.

However, I have convinced myself that no one wants to hear mine. Even though so many people have suggested that I tell my story, “You really need to write this; it will help so many people.” I have spent hours thinking of book titles, front cover photos, back cover write-ups, and how I will market it, and I haven’t written a bloody word. Stop thinking of the outcome, Liz, and enjoy the journey. But I am terrified it won’t be good enough. Despite always saying if my story can help just one person, then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I don’t think I mean it. Well I do mean it, that would be incredible. But, I want to help everyone, always have, and likely always will. To my detriment, I might add. I often forget about me. You can’t help others if you don’t help yourself. Isn’t that selfish? Oh, I can’t do that; what will people think of me? How do I turn my brain off? Well, not fully, obviously. Perhaps reprogramme would be a better choice of word. 

And there is it: in just a few minutes, I wrote 300 words. You may think it is utter shit, and you are perfectly entitled to it. I may think it is utter shit (I haven’t re-read it yet), but that’s ok. I got the bloody words down and I am satisfied. Let’s see what tomorrow brings!

If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment. If you make a comment, please explain what it was that made you feel that way.

Thanks, Liz

I have set myself a challenge and need your help, (please).

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As some of you may know, I have been through quite a lot, I recently had my 18th surgery and I was suicidal for a few years. I would like to write a book to tell my story in the hope that my experiences will help others.

However, I have been wanting to do this for years, taken numerous writing course but to no avail. I am currently on holiday and have just read the book Bird by Bird written by Anne Lamott. I have found numerous snippets to help me on my writing journey but the one I have decided to grab by the jugular is this. Aim to write three hundred words a day.

So, this is what I have challenged myself to do.

Anne Lamott, also discusses the fact that one should just write because no-one reads the “Shitty first draft”. I have made a decision, that I may live to regret. People are going to read my “Shitty first draft”

I will write at least three hundred words every day this year (or until I get death threats if I don’t stop writing). No particular theme planned as yet but one might materialise. These excerpts, for want of a better expression, will then be posted on my blog, without being edited (other than spelling mistakes). What you read will be exactly what I wrote straight away. I know, no writer in their right mind would do that, I am pretty sure that in no time at all it will become blatantly clear that I am not in my right mind. Besides, if you don’t take risks you will never know what you are capable of.

One of the reasons I have chosen to share my daily writing exercises is I need your help. When we first start something new there is always an element of excitement that provides momentum. However, as time goes by and the novelty wears off, so does the momentum and this is when we are prone to giving up. I want to write my book so badly that I am prepared to be vulnerable and share my ramblings with you in the hope that over time I will find my voice, my writing style and my courage to get the job done.

If you would like to join me on this journey, please subscribe to my blog. On the right hand side of the post is a box for your email address, fill that in and click on the follow button below and you will receive a notification each time I post.

If you choose to follow me and would like to encourage me to keep going please like the posts but more importantly, please leave a comment. This doesn’t have to be positive, although that is rewarding it doesn’t help me improve. Therefore, if you leave a comment, please add why you felt that way. For instance, if you like it, say why e.g. it made you laugh, it resonated with you, you like my style. Alternatively, if you didn’t like it, say why e.g it made no sense, your sentence structure needs improving, it was just plain boring.

And then…

If you don’t mind.

Give me some hints or tips on how to improve, e.g. I want to understand why you felt that way. I need more detail, give me some senses, what did you see, what could you hear. By the way, I know I haven’t used senses in my first 2 so you probably don’t need to spell that out for me. Anything you can add that will help me grow as a writer witl be gratefully received. Well, maybe not gratefully when I first read it but once I have taken my head out of the oven, calmed down and appreciated the fact you are helping me. Then I will be grateful.

I will finish this now, unedited, as stated.

I hope to have you on board, if you’re up for it, remember to add your email address and hit the follow button.

Thanks in advance,

Don’t worry…

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About what may or may not happen in the future.

Last year my pony had to be put down, laminitis finally took its toll and nether he or I could take it any more.

That meant Horse, yes that really is his name, well not officially, his breeder named him Equus but my sister said “we can’t call him that, it’s far too posh. Let’s call him Horse until we come up with another name”

Needless to say over a decade later he’s still called Horse

Anyway, Horse was left on his own,

I was really worried about how he would cope as he was always very anxious on his own.

I was worried about his behaviour, he can be quite a bully and I thought he might start to push me around.

I was worried he would get depressed and not want to do anything, after Troyble died, (Troy, was nothing but trouble when he arrived, so became Troyble), Horse spent hours just standing looking out across the fields, he seemed so sad.

Guess what…

None of the things I was worried about happened.

Instead, something happened that I really wasn’t expecting.

Horse got laminitis!

Horse had never been ill in his life before, if there was one thing I hadn’t even considered it was he would get laminitis. He is now inside on medicine and I am hoping he will recover.

So what does that tell you?

There is absolutely no point in worrying about the future, we don’t know what is coming, even if we expect the unexpected we will still be surprised because none of us have control over what is coming next.

Even if we think we do or even worse if we try and control what’s coming.

We have the moment we are living in, the present, that is what we should put our energy into, not what has been and not what might be coming.

Today, if you find yourself worrying about something that may or may not happen, bring yourself back to the present moment and get living.

Enjoy this moment, it is the only one you have right now!

I would just like to say thank you so much to everyone who helped me turn a barn full of stuff into a stable for Horse,

I am only 10 weeks post op of a total hip replacement, so not able to do the things I normally can. I needed help and I was inundated, we worked as a team, all came together to make the best stable we could.

That is what life is all about, being there for each other and helping people when they need us.

Have a good day, and if you can help someone, do.

It will make you feel good.

At last, I have found the solution!

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I have had this deep seated feeling my whole life, that I am here to do more than I am doing. Alog with the pain I have been in, I believe it has been the root to a lot of my depression. A constant feeling than what I am doing is not enough, not my purpose and that frustration has left me feeling I have failed to achieve what I am here to do.

I have an inherent desire to help people, it is who I am, my make up as it were (well it would be if I wore any!) I get such pleasure from helping people, I seem to seek it out, it is like my drug fix, that rush you get when something feels really good.

However, on the flip side when I don’t get my ‘fix’ I start to go under, suffocate in my own need to help others. It isn’t a distraction technique, to avert attention from my self, although I did think it was for a while, it is genuinely my need and when your needs are not fulfilled, you are not happy, go figure!

It has literally driven me insane trying to find a way I can help people on a grand scale, I have done lots of one to one work which is great but is nowhere near what I want to achieve. The frustration in trying to work out how I can help lots of people simultaneously, has, at times been unbearable.

I am thrilled to say, at last, I have found the solution!

As well as writing my book, which I hope will help people, (to be brutally honest), want to stay alive! I am also creating an online course to help those suffering from chronic pain get more out of life.

My course is called:

The 30 Day Stay Sane Despite the Pain Challenge – The achievable step by step method to increase energy and reduce pain, (even when you’re sleep deprived).

I am in the process of fine tuning the course structure and have created a survey to make sure its’ contents provide people with the outcome they are looking for.

Below, is the link to the survey. If you have chronic pain and want a way to lead a better more enjoyable life, please complete it. Once you have, I will be in touch. https://04p76909hxd.typeform.com/to/MLRhKTg9

If you can think of anyone else you know who struggles with pain, please pass the survey on. Remember, I want to help as many people as I can, to do that I need to build a community of people who can relate with each other, a support network is one of the best ways to improve your life.

Thank you in advance and happy Friday, Liz

I am finally writing my book!

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It wasn’t until I looked back to my last blog entry, 30th October 2016, that I realised how long it has been since I had written a post.

Strangely enough, this was the last paragraph:

“Oh, as an aside, I am thinking of writing a book, telling my story, both good and bad but ultimately, hoping to spread the word on how depression first gets under your skin and then inside your mind until you reach a point that you don’t know there is anything else. What do you think?”

How strange indeed, that I felt the pull of my blog when I came back to where I’d left off!

So, YES! Exciting news, my book is underway ‘Surgery, Prosecco and Me! is being created now, (hence the change of my blog name from Woman on the Edge) the highs and lows of ‘life with Liz’ a phrase coined by my dear friend Mike Carson or Carson Mike depending on how much we have had to drink! Mike lived in my barn for months (it is a renovated one, he’s not Joseph in disguise), originally to build the set for my production ‘Steaming’ but then to help look after me when I had a spinal fusion.

Mike had been living on his own for years, in peace and quiet, aside from Shakespeare and classical music, only to find himself living with ‘The Inappropriates’, our family nickname, that I am guessing needs no explanation? A bit of a shock to his system I can tell you, nonetheless he took on the challenge with admiration and became part of the family.

I have digressed, my book, in response to my question “What do you think?”on 30th October 2016, there came a resounding Yes! Great I thought I’ll write that then, besides I have written a book before, albeit a fictional children’s book but nonetheless a book. Did I write it, well obviously not or I wouldn’t be writing this but you know what I mean! Anyway, maybe the reason I didn’t write it then was because I felt there was more to come and boy was there! Unfortunately, most of which I really wished hadn’t! However, there was one thing that I did find, that was very fortunate, that one thing… my sanity. I am finally free from the grasps of depression and the fear of the dark side and Surgery, Prosecco and Me! will explain just how I am to be living to tell the tale.

I am glad to be back in the land of my blog and really looking forward to connecting to everyone who used to read it, (it was read in 22 countries, it blew my mind, well it was already blown but I was honoured) and to connecting with many more people, whom I hope I can help in some way, as I believe that my purpose in life is to help people and my book is just the beginning.

Please feel free to post a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

Thanks, Liz x

Laying Dormant

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I have been acutely aware of late that ‘Woman on the Edge’ has been taking a back seat in my life, as has my depression, has it gone or is it just laying dormant?

Sadly, I believe the latter to be true and isn’t it strange that as it seems to rear it’s ugly head once more, what is the first thing I turn to? My blog. Why is that I wonder? It doesn’t answer back, it’s not judgemental, I can be truthful, I am not afraid when I am writing? I don’t know for sure, probably all of them in varying degrees. Nonetheless, I am back and I apologise for my absence.

Not that I really need to, as the reason I started this blog in the first place was just for me as a release but it became apparent, over time, that my ramblings were being read by people all over the world, 22 countries to date, a massive shock to me I can tell you. Why is that, I wonder again? Unfortunately, I think it’s because depression is world wide and based on the messages I have received in the past, many people gained solace from reading my posts, so again I apologise if I haven’t been there for you when you needed me. I shall do better from now on.

Life in the last six months has been really very good for me, finally things both health and career wise have been great, well in comparison to how they have been in the past that’s for sure.  However, recently, the last month or so I guess, I haven’t been feeling quite right, can’t quite put my finger on it, no obvious reason, things still going well, in fact, better than that really, some things have been bloody brilliant. Finally getting good paid acting jobs, gone back to riding, galloping and jumping, feeling alive and free and yet something isn’t quite right. Wake up in the morning in a mood, what’s that all about? No apparent reason, cross, agitated, hot and bothered. I have gone back to heaving on my dog walks and lost weight but why?

Don’t you just love that question, why? We ask it as if we expect to be supplied with, not only the answer but also the solution, no such luck. Especially when depression has a hand in it. My husband and I have had a few conversations trying to work out what’s wrong. “Have you got a black cloud?” he asks “I don’t think so” I answer, genuinely. And yet I am perplexed as to what is making me feel this way – answers on a postcard!

I fully understand that depression never really leaves you and that you deal with it by maintenance, by ‘you’ I mean ‘one’. What I don’t understand is how it can get you when you least expect it, i.e when life is great, I mean that’s not meant to happen surely? That’s just bloody unfair, it’s hard enough dealing with it when it makes sense and you can understand why you have it but when everything is going well and you can’t even enjoy that. Life can be such a cunt at times.

Strangely enough I have been meaning to write a blog for ages to say how well things have been going, as a kind of inspiration to all of you who struggle too. Only I didn’t and now here I am telling you when it’s gone wrong again. Human behaviour is decidedly odd, but then again, so am I so what do I expect?

I am not really sure what I am saying here, maybe that’s because I am not really sure what I am feeling, so finding it difficult to be specific. All I know is ‘Old Satan Claus is out there Jimmy’ – film, Last Boy Scout, seriously you didn’t think you would get a post without some sort of film reference did you? So if any of you out there can give me some insight as to what is going on and why I would be truly grateful.

I tell you what, next time I have a thought to post that something good that has happened, I promise I will.

Oh, as an aside, I am thinking of writing a book, telling my story, both good and bad but ultimately, hoping to spread the word on how depression first gets under your skin and then inside your mind until you reach a point that you don’t know there is anything else. What do you think?

 

 

 

Talk to a stranger

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I did and the impact on both of us was phenomenal.

Just over a week ago I happened to be in a space with only one other person, only that person wasn’t talking to me, instead they were pacing up and down looking agitated. Also, they were wearing shorts and trainers only it was late evening and if you don’t know the weather in the UK has been very cold lately.

So to break the ice, excuse the pun, I said “Do you mind me asking, are you an athlete or do you just dress like one?”. They replied, “No, well I was once but not anymore.” That in itself highlighted an issue, so I continued, “Do you mind me asking, are you ok?””Why do you ask?” They replied. “Because the way you are pacing suggested you might not be.” I said. “I always do that,” they said “burn off the energy.” “I do that too,” I said “When I am running away from something.” Then it all came out, what they told me was both heart wrenching and also completely explained their behaviour. Had I been in that situation, I would have been doing the same.

I am not going to tell you what they said because that would betray their trust. But rest assured it was enough to warrant pacing. They then continued to tell me they felt they couldn’t tell anyone, in fact I was the only one they had told. They were depressed, struggling to cope and thought their loved ones would have judgement on their choices and behaviour. Well they could have been right, they might. The thing is they were too afraid to find out, so they were living their crisis alone! How sad is that, no-one should live a crisis alone. We chatted for about 15 minutes, that’s all, nothing in ones lifetime and I said, “Thank you for having the strength to tell me.” and they replied with, “It’s easy to tell a stranger.”

So there we have it folks, if you are depressed and feel you can’t tell anyone, try telling a stranger or if you notice something about someone that would suggest something is wrong, ask them if they are ok. I appreciate they could get cross tell you it is none of your business, or even worse. Or you may get to have the experience I did and actually help someone, allow someone to lift the weight from their shoulders and share. Share their pain, share their grief, share their worries, whatever it is your kindness is going to allow someone to share something they may be too afraid to do with someone close to them. Imagine what a gift that would be to a fellow human.

You know how I know it is a gift? Because when we were just saying we should move on to our friends my stranger looked at me in a way I will never forget, straight to my heart, their eyes told me everything, their soul was so thankful, they didn’t need to say a word but they did, “Thank you for noticing and listening.” they said. When they left me, their physique and tone of voice had changed completely, they knew someone cared and that someone didn’t know them, they were just human and compassionate. We can all be that person.

Please don’t shy away from someone just because they are giving off negative vibes, it is likely they are not directed at you and more likely that they are in need of help, a shoulder to cry on, someone just to listen, not to pass judgement, not to take sides. There has not been a day since having spoken to my stranger that I haven’t thought about them. Stranger if you read this and I hope you do, you are not alone in your fears and concerns about life choices but no-one is perfect and nor should they strive to be as that will only bring disappointment. We are only human we make mistakes and have emotions and feelings so strong that logic fails to play a part but that is what makes us so unique and special.

I do my best not to ask people to like, comment and share my blog as it so often comes across as systematic and premeditated. However, on this occasion I actually implore you to like, comment and in particular share this story because I believe it is a way of helping people in need. Do not step away from the weirdo, they are not weird they are afraid and alone and need someone to listen, it is likely they know you can’t provide solutions but nonetheless, don’t you find the simple process of just talking through your problems allows a solution to present itself. It is possible that is all your stranger requires, all you will have done is listened for a few minutes and you may be able to transform someone else’s life, how amazing would that be?

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be thinner!

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Ok, so I am writing it when I am in it. I thought I couldn’t do this but I can. Here is an insight into what occurs, for me anyway, when darkness befalls.

Why is my blog entitled ‘I want to be thinner’? Well I will tell you, because it is as this stage of my depression that I convince myself that if I get thin enough I will eventually fade away and die. That way I don’t actually have to do it, kill myself I mean. Admittedly it is a much slower process and that is because I don’t actually want to die but I just don’t want to live either.

Maybe others feel the same, do you?

Or are you the opposite? When you feel the way I do, do you eat more? Then hate yourself for it, get heavier, feel fatter, feel you are useless. You are no different, despite what the media or government might say, when depression kicks in there are no written rules, it is whatever the fuck it likes.

And then I get to the next stage and this is not me being a drama queen, regardless of the fact I am an actor, this is the truth, reality, that thing we all hide from, it is here to get us, so be prepared. The next stage is when I want it to happen faster not an ailment but instant and terminal.

So where the fuck do you go from here?

I have decided not to tag anyone into this blog on facebook or twitter. Why would I, who the fuck would want to read this?

No-one I am sure but maybe someone somewhere can understand what I am saying?

Step away from the weirdo.

Does that happen to you, when people discover you have a mental illness do people avoid you? I am fortunate, so far, I have not experienced that,  I have an amazing group of supportive people, I guess that’s why am still here. You may not and if you don’t please for God sake, let someone know, me if you like.

I have nothing more to say right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Inspired

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Happy Birthday to a great inspiration.

For those of you that have read my recent posts you will fully understand why my blog is called ‘Woman on the Edge’ things have been very on the edge of late and it’s times like this when I look to be inspired, find other people who too have the ‘Never give up’ attitude.

There was one person who stood out amongst the crowd, an actress whose work I had seen a few years ago that had caught my attention, I have followed her journey with intrigue ever since. So I decided to ask her for an informal interview to discover what she has learnt on her journey and how does she manage to stay focused on her dreams.

She agreed and in fact had a lot to say on the subject – it would seem she is a ‘Woman on the Edge’ of great things to come.

I have chosen today to tell the world about her, as it’s her birthday and as much as material gifts are nice, learning people are inspired by you and believe in you, in my opinion, is a far greater gift. This woman is incredibly talented and it is about time more people new about her.

An interview with  Actress Rayanna Dibs:

When did you choose your career path?

I had an idea of what I wanted my career to look like from a young age. But as I embarked on my chosen journey, I soon realised the picture was not as I thought it would be – and thank god – wouldn’t it be boring if things always went to plan. We wouldn’t feel the need to keep on our toes and be prepared for the Unknown.

Thank you – Take 2!

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Phew, I found it again!

I just wanted to say how completely overwhelmed and heart warmed I was in response to my last post. I was so worried about writing it and there have been numerous occasions in the past where I have felt like doing it but been too afraid. Which is silly really seeing as the reason I started this blog in the first place was to keep me above water and yes when I really needed to do it, I couldn’t.

I was talking to a very good friend about this the other night, as she had picked up on the fact that I had waited to feel better to do it and wasn’t it a shame I couldn’t do it when I needed to. The thing is when you are really in a bad way and your brain is telling you how awful you are it is near on impossible to tell your loved ones, let alone the world. I feel I can say that I told the world because my blog has been read in over 15 countries now which I find astounding. When I started this I didn’t believe anyone would read it, let alone it spreading across the globe, so thank you to all of you for your support. I would probably be in an even worse state without you.

I received emails, texts, fb posts, fb private messages and messages on my blog, not only from my dear friends but some of them came from people I haven’t seen in years and some from people I have never met. This was something completely unexpected but very well received I can tell you because for once instead of crying in pain, I was crying in love and appreciation, all thanks to you, my faith in humanity is restored and I have been able to tell the voices in my head to back the fuck off for the moment, otherwise they will have to take on a lot more than me!

Fortunately this week has been better, I have positive things happening work wise and my pain levels are bearable, one of the worst ones at the moment is my trapped sciatic nerve which, as it has been trapped for so long, has taken on a totally independent lease of life and twitches constantly, you can actually see it pulsing, that doesn’t hurt just feels weird but at night when I move that leg the calf cramps and it’s agony and really disturbs my sleep. So, if depression and pain are not enough lack of sleep gets thrown into the mix, I appreciate the saying things happen in 3’s but these are 3 things I could seriously do without.

Tiredness alone is enough to drive you mental, I have someone very dear to me that often doesn’t get enough rest and she explains that the tiredness just turns her into a maniac and someone she really doesn’t want to be and that then makes you hate yourself which is how depression starts. All I can say to anyone who is exhausted, ask for help in any way you can, get someone to watch the kids, walk the dogs, don’t do the cleaning – it will be there tomorrow and the scary thing with depression is if you don’t deal with it – you might not be there tomorrow. People who care about you want you to be happy and well, I know asking for help is hard, fuck me do I know. However, if my last post is anything to go by you are not alone and you don’t want to be treading water the whole time because guess what? That will make you even more tired and even more crazy.