Ok, so I am writing it when I am in it. I thought I couldn’t do this but I can. Here is an insight into what occurs, for me anyway, when darkness befalls.

Why is my blog entitled ‘I want to be thinner’? Well I will tell you, because it is as this stage of my depression that I convince myself that if I get thin enough I will eventually fade away and die. That way I don’t actually have to do it, kill myself I mean. Admittedly it is a much slower process and that is because I don’t actually want to die but I just don’t want to live either.

Maybe others feel the same, do you?

Or are you the opposite? When you feel the way I do, do you eat more? Then hate yourself for it, get heavier, feel fatter, feel you are useless. You are no different, despite what the media or government might say, when depression kicks in there are no written rules, it is whatever the fuck it likes.

And then I get to the next stage and this is not me being a drama queen, regardless of the fact I am an actor, this is the truth, reality, that thing we all hide from, it is here to get us, so be prepared. The next stage is when I want it to happen faster not an ailment but instant and terminal.

So where the fuck do you go from here?

I have decided not to tag anyone into this blog on facebook or twitter. Why would I, who the fuck would want to read this?

No-one I am sure but maybe someone somewhere can understand what I am saying?

Step away from the weirdo.

Does that happen to you, when people discover you have a mental illness do people avoid you? I am fortunate, so far, I have not experienced that,  I have an amazing group of supportive people, I guess that’s why am still here. You may not and if you don’t please for God sake, let someone know, me if you like.

I have nothing more to say right now.