I woke up with a jolt this morning, just when I was about to be told how I had died. Apparently, I, and another woman, had died at the same time, 06.30am but how or why, I have no idea. I felt so disturbed when I woke up. So many thoughts running through my head. The strongest of which, I don’t want to die.

How reassuring after all the years I had spent wanting to die. The dream, unsurprisingly, was strange. It began with me waking up, having, seemingly, been asleep for a long time. People were irritated with me, unkind to me. At the beginning of the dream I didn’t now I was dead, then gradully i noticed, some people could see me and some couldn’t. One woman came up to me all friendly, smiling and waving saying “Oh you’re here too.” That was when I realised.

I started talking to the young lady whose mother had died, she had been left in charge and responsible for a lot of money. She was concerned about what her boyfriend was going to do. Straight away, I said, “How can I help, am I stuck here until I find a solution?”

Isn’t that what so much of life is all about, being stuck until we find a solution?

It is strange that I remembered this dream. I rarely remember dreams. My husband remembers so many of his, he gets up and regales yet another entirely random story that his brain has concoted throughout the night. Me – nothing.

I used to have night terrors. They were so bad. I say, “I used to.” I still get them but not very often. I wake up screaming, usually “oh my God” over and over. Scares the shit out of Murray. If I am lucky, he catches me before I get that bad, gently rubs me saying “it’s ok, I’m here”. And it stops, leaving my heart thumping and my head scrambled.

One night, years ago, I was screaming so loudly, it woke up all three of our children, poor things all ran into our bedroom very distressed, panicked and scared. They thought we were being attacked. Thank god we weren’t, because they would have been attacked too. 

One of terrors was different from the others, I was dreaming I was being buried alive in a coffin, that bit was the same as the others, (after a while I decided I felt trapped in life and set about resolving that, which helped enormously). This time I didn’t wake up screaming. Instead, I walked to our bedroom door but I couldn’t open it, I am guessing this was me trying to get out of my coffin, I went back to bed. Murray asked if I was ok, I replied “I can’t think of anyone else I want to die with.” and promptly went back to sleep.

The strange thing about my dream last night, well clearly, there were a lot of strange things but, one of them was, while I was having the dream, I was thinking like me, I was trying to figure out how I could help this young lady, take all her problems away. What can I fix before I go. I wasn’t thinking about me, Oh god I’m dead, the things I will miss out on, what I wanted to do, feeling sorry for myself. None of that crossed my mind. I live to help people and I guess I will still be doing that on my death bed.

I knew someone else like that. Who did that. My ex husband, Bruce, the father of my children, died of cancer in 2017, the most horrifci time of my life. Bruce was one of kindest most generous, loving people I had ever met. When he was in the hospice, he was surrounded by his family, he came from a large family, there were so many of us that a lot of us had to stand. He was lying there, a shadow of the man he used to be, pale, thin and weak. One of the last things he ever said, “I feel so sorry for the other people here, they haven’t got as many visitors as me” He was dying and still thinking of others, what an honourable human being he was. An example for us all. Such a waste of a life.

Which confirms all that I feel every day now, I no longer want to die. I want to live, I want to help people, take away their pain, show them life can be better. I am still working out how best I can do this. Hopefully writing and posting every day is the beginning.

If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment. If you make a comment, please explain what it was that made you feel that way.

Thanks, Liz

If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking “Day 6 of what? Have a quick read of this explanation:

I have set myself a challenge and need your help, (please).

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please feel free to use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7