Category Archives: Pain

Day 21: Making Decisions Part 2

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking ‘Day 21’ of what? Have a quick read about my challenge.

My wrist is finally better!

Actually, it was better two days ago but I chose not to write. Why? Because I had forced myself to write on:

Day 18: Today I am cheating!

 Day 19: Pain Prohibits Progress… Or does it? Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

Day 20: Today, I am sharing an unpublished comedy short film, (it still hurts to type).

It had been so painful, whimpering as I typed. Pitiful! I had pushed myself too far, so when I was able to type I didn’t want to. I resented my blog. I felt it had a hold on me forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do. 

So I made a decision…

Don’t write.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?

Far from it. When we make a decision, we get so caught up in the minutiae that we can’t see the wood for the trees. I was beating myself up that I was failing at my goal challenge

I felt deflated, the novelty had worn off, not only mine but that of my readers. The views had plummeted. I thought, “My writing must be getting worse not better. It’s just boring, no one wants to read it”

Therefore, I decided – to reevaluate my goal.

‘My’ is the important word here. The challenge I set myself was exactly that. My challenge. I had decided it. Therefore, I can change it.

Altering a goal doesn’t mean you have failed. It means the original outcome, not doubtcome – Day 17: Making Decisions. Part 1 has not turned out the way you wanted. So what? Change it. 

I had to decide.

Do I…

  1. Throw in the towel. It was a bad idea, anyway.
  2. Keep pushing myself to do it every day, just make them shorter or cheat
  3. Do less of them 

When making a decision, the first thing to do is establish your options. Then weigh up the pros and cons. Then pick one. If possible, sleep on it. You will sleep better because you have made a decision. In the morning, if it still feels right, you can take action towards it.

Just because you have made a decision doesn’t mean you have to act on it immediately. Unless, of course, it is a life or death situation. Sit with it for a while, discuss it with friends or family. Then decide what course of action to take.

My husband has a saying, “What’s the worst that can happen?” It is a useful way to consider your options and make a decision. If there aren’t serious consequences to your choice, then make it there and then. You can always change your mind later. Another one of his favourite sayings, “What’s the point of having a mind if you can’t change it?” This takes the pressure off. Very few decisions are life threatening, so don’t overthink them. However, be wary of this one though, it can cause you to not taking responsibility for your actions. That’s an entirely different thing.

So what did I decide and how did I do it? I looked at my options.

  1. Throw in the towel. It was a bad idea, anyway. 

I very nearly chose this one. When it comes to writing I lack confidence. I worry people will think it’s rubbish. If I stopped my blog it would take away all the pressure I had put on myself. My writing won’t be rejected, therefore, nor will I. 

I needed to go back to the beginning and remind myself why I had set this challenge. I want to write a book about what I have been through. I want to help people see there is hope when they believe they can’t take anymore.

One I had reminded myself why. The decision was easy. I am not giving up. My motivation to tell my story is strong enough to out way my fear or rejection. A, was kicked into touch.

  • Keep pushing myself to do it every day, just make them shorter or cheat. 

My friends say they can count on me because I always do what I say I am going to. I take pride in that. I am reliable. I said I would write and post every day. If I don’t, I am going back on my word. That doesn’t sit well with me. I was stuck on this for a while. Then I thought about my life coaching training Day 11: Do you think you are stupid?

I flipped the way I was thinking about it. Helping others is an integral part of me. Many of you are supporting me by reading my blog. Thank you to all of you. But is reading it every day too much for you? Do you see the email come in and think? “I want to support Liz, but I just can’t do it every day. I have so many other things to do.” When I thought I might be putting too much pressure on you, my decision was easy. Kick B into touch.

This leaves c) Do less of them 

Having worked through the pros and cons of A and B, C was the outright winner. A win win result is something I strive for in all aspects of life. I would still be heading towards my goal of developing a writing style and learning how to get my thoughts and feelings across to others. However, there would be a lot less pressure on me, to achieve something daily and you, to support me daily.

So that is what I am going to do. Less. I have spent years working towards doing less. I am renowned for giving myself too much to do. Does this mean I am finally learning? I hope so.

From now on, I will write at least 300 words 6 times a week (giving myself a day off, I am not very good at that either) but I will only post a blog 3 times a week. 

Let’s see how my decision pans out.

I feel this post rambles on a bit, so I apologise. However, the part of my challenge that I will not be changing is the not editing part, for now at least. Just write and post. If I deliberate too much about the content, there is a chance, I will post nothing and dwell over my writing too much.

I hope that you have gained something from me explaining my process for decision making. If so, please let me know by leaving a comment.

I would be interested to know how you feel about my decision. Has it taken the pressure off you, too?


Have a great day
If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them, they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 20: Today I am sharing an unpublished comedy short film, (it still hurts to type!).

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As typing is still not on the agenda. I have decided (Making decisions part 1) to share an unpublished short film with you. I would like to thank my wonderful friend Paul Ekert for writing this for me, Paul you know me so well. 

Not only did Paul write it, he also directed, filmed and edited. A man of many talents!

Also, thank you, Richard Ward, for your superb performance and priceless comedic expressions and timing. It was a joy to work with you.

Stills from the film were also published in my posts:

I have set myself a challenge and I need your help, (please).

Day 1: Three Hundred Words

Click here to watch: The Love Letter

I hope you enjoy it and if you do, please leave a comment and subscribe to my Youtube channel

Day 19: Pain Prohibits Progress or does it? Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

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I didn’t sleep well last night. My painful wrist kept me awake. Frustration leaked from my body, along with the sweat from both pain and humidity, not only because I thought I would endure another day of discomfort but also because it meant, yet again, I wouldn’t write Making Decisions Part 2 Day 17: Making Decisions. Part 1

If I allowed it, this feeling would have consumed me. Filled me with self-pity. Poor me. Why me? Just when I had recovered from yet another surgery, the pain was back to prohibit my progress. I can’t type. I can’t keep up with my challenge

Instead, I adopted the approach given by Clint Eastwood as Sergeant Thomas Highway in Heartbreak Ridge (a great movie).

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

I wanted to post something in my blog. The pain was too much.

Improvise.

Yesterday and today, I have used previous blogs relating to pain. 

Today’s: Pain ends relationships and lives

Adapt.

Modifying my current blog posts enabled me to provide content without writing it there and then.

Overcome.

I achieved my goal for today in a completely different way than I had planned. Guess what? That’s okay. Plans change. Roll with the waves. As long as you get there in the end, does it really matter what path you took?

Have a great day. If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them, they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 18: Today I am cheating!

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking ‘Day 18’ of what? Have a quick read about my challenge.

Today I was due to write Making Decisions Part 2. Yesterday’s blog – Day 17: Making Decisions. Part 1

However, this morning, I hurt my wrist and typing is excruciating. Therefore, I have provided a link to an old post, not part of my challenge. Aptly named: Pain is relative

I am sure my wrist will be fine tomorrow and I will write Part 2 for you then.


Have a great day
If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them, they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 12: ‘It’s time to talk day’

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking ‘Day 12’ of what? Have a quick read about my challenge.

Did you know ‘It’s time to talk day’? I found this out after receiving an email from Mind, the mental health charity I am involved with. The timing of this is apt because today I finished a book called, When all is said by Anne Griffins (Amazon associate link). An exquisitely written debut. The book engrossed me from the first sentence to the final word. At times, I realised I wasn’t breathing. It was captivating. Don’t just take my word for it. There are nearly sixteen thousand reviews on Amazon, many of which agree with mine. 

I won’t tell you the story. I wouldn’t want to take that pleasure away from you. What I will say is when you have read it, you will want to tell people the truth about how you feel about them and what they mean to you. How you long to be with them. It provoked a deep sadness in me. We, as humans, have a terrible habit of masking the truth. We hide our truth and vulnerability for fear of being hurt, rejected or misunderstood, yet, ‘The truth will set you free’. If you know who said that quote, please put it in the comments.

I genuinely believe that communication is the reason I am still alive today. I told people how I felt when I was in my darkest days. Many didn’t understand it, but they stuck by me like glue. I couldn’t have shaken them off even if I had wanted to. If you need to talk to someone but feel the truth is too much for your loved ones. Why don’t you. Talk to a stranger (previous blog on the subject)

I love to talk to strangers. In fairness, what I should say is that I love to listen to strangers. My husband says to me, “Why do complete strangers end up telling you their life stories? ” In short, I listen with empathy and without judgment. I allow them to expose their innermost feelings in safety. 

One day, a few years ago, I was in a dark and frightening place. Inside my mind, that is. I couldn’t verbalise it, so I took to my blog, wrote what I felt and sent it out into the ether. I received tremendous support not only from friends but also from strangers. People felt my pain and instantly came to my aid. Thank you again to all of you. You know who you are. The blog title: I want to be thinner

If you are struggling with your mental health, let someone know. If you have family and friends who will support you, great. If you don’t, pick up the phone and call Mind, The Samaritans, or another charity. They, too, will listen with empathy and without judgment. Whatever you do, don’t stay silent.


If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them, they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 11: Do you think you are stupid?

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking ‘Day 11’ of what? Have a quick read about my challenge.

Besides, the daily routines I mentioned on Day 7 ‘Finding the time’. I also do the NYT games. Wordle, connections, mini crossword and letterbox. I was extremely hesitant to start these games because I thought I wouldn’t be able to do them. The crossword, in particular. Why? Because I doubt my intelligence. I chose not to say “because I am stupid”. Finally, I have worked out I am not. For most of my life, I thought I was.

My brother and sister (Bonjour) are incredibly smart, not just academically either. They are both musically gifted too. Growing up in the shadow of these two left me feeling less than adequate. I remember once my grandma saying, “Oh yes, you’re the one who can’t do maths.” She meant nothing by it. For her, it was a factual statement. It not only crushed me, but stayed with me throughout my entire childhood. Well, let’s be honest, probably until I was in my forties.

I think a lot of things stayed with me until my forties. Until I hit rock bottom. When the only options were a) to end it all, b) quit fucking about and get my shit together. Fortunately, I chose b. It wasn’t easy, but I have never regretted it.

Thinking you are stupid holds you back in every aspect of your life. It certainly did for me. Afraid to do things because I wouldn’t be able to. Because I’m stupid. My stupidity embarrassed me. Interestingly, though. I didn’t view other people like that. If someone couldn’t do something I would always say, “well, we can’t do everything, some people are better at things than others”. I have always seen the potential in others. I have struggled to see mine.

As I have aged, I have begun to really dislike the word stupid. It is paralysing. It stops people in their tracks. All these talents, buried beneath the surface, never to materialize because of how we view ourselves. It is devastating. 

I made steps in the right direction in my thirties when I studied to be a life coach. I have studied more since leaving education than I did when I was there. Becoming a life coach wasn’t a lifelong plan (excuse the pun). In a way, it chose me. I had just finished having 6 weeks of therapy. I felt on top of the world. I don’t remember having felt that good before. I was scared to lose it. I told my husband, “I want to do something that maintains this feeling”. A couple of days later, he produced the details of a life coach course. We decided this would be a good idea. 

Before you learned to coach others, the course challenged your limiting beliefs. I had never heard that phrase. It was a whole new experience for me. One that changed my life forever. For the better. It taught me how to change the way I viewed things. My abilities primarily. How to turn sentences around from negative to positive to boost my self-belief. For instance, I achieved grade three in the piano. Until then, I had always said, “I only got to grade three”. Following the guidelines of the course, I changed the sentence to “I achieved grade three in the piano. ” That made it sound much better. An accomplishment. An achievement. I cannot tell you how many times, before taking the course, I had said, “I haven’t achieved anything.” As time went on, my list became extensive. I finally understood that not only had I achieved a great deal. I was not stupid. That course was worth its weight in gold. 

If you think you are stupid, I implore you to try that exercise. Notice when you say something derogatory about yourself. Reframe the sentence using only the facts. Absorb that information. Then congratulate yourself on your achievement.

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Before I go, here is another example. When I was thirty-two, a group of us went to the Alps to climb Mont Blanc. We didn’t. On the way down from Aiguilles du Tour, 3544m high, I was too slow because of knee pain. The guide told me I couldn’t attempt Mont Blanc because it would put our lives at risk. From then on, I said to people, “I only managed to climb Aiguilles du Tour.” After doing the course, I said, “I climbed Aiguilles Du Tour.” After a while, that sank in. Bloody hell, Liz, that is so cool. Other than the people in our group, I didn’t know anyone else that had done that. What an achievement!


If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them, they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 10 – Seventeen – Part 2

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking ‘Day 10’ of what? Have a quick read about my challenge.

Back at my desk, this time, it is early morning, six am. I am an early bird, following in my father’s footsteps. A farmer. The early bird catches the worm and all that. Dad has always told me, “The best weather is in the morning.” In England, that is often the case, but not so much in Barbados, where I am currently. Torrential rain is the standard morning routine. On a good day, that clears the air and the way for a good day. Of late, it has rained on and off all day.

Before I digress. I will start part 2. I finished yesterday’s post saying I would tell you why my children and I all had ‘Carpe Diem’ tattoos. Day 9

Already, I am swallowing hard and sweating, my palms in particular.

A quick note: this will be a concise version. The aim of my challenge is to write every day, as opposed to give you in-depth versions of events. That will come when I write my book. It will also allow me to ’embrace the nettle’ Day 8 gradually so as not to have another mental breakdown.

The date: 11th July 2017. My son’s 19th birthday. He was not interested. He was broken, his heart shattered, the splinters of which penetrated my soul every time I looked at him. It shouldn’t be this way. How is it right that I still have my father and my children don’t? Along with feeling my children’s pain, guilt creeps in. Despite several attempts to block it. Despite my logical mind saying it was not my fault. It latched itself to me like the tentacles of an octopus. It wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

It had only been a few weeks since my daughter and I held Bruce’s hand as he took his final breath. Surrounded by many family members. I swear we were all holding our breath in time with Bruce. The gaps between breaths became painfully long. The breaths themselves laboured and hoarse. In the silence, we wondered if we had just witnessed his final breath, relieving him, in our hearts we wanted that for him. Stop the pain. At the same time, our ears desperately searching for another breath to know he hadn’t left us forever. The conflict inside me was pitiful. The inevitable came. The silence was drowned by the cascade of tears. 

Death is so final.

The morning of the 11th came. It was unavoidable. One day follows the previous; that’s the way it goes. What was I going to do? How could I alleviate the sadness? I couldn’t. Then I had an idea. Fortunately, during the month preceding this day, my children and I had built a bond never to be broken. “Let’s cement it,” I thought. Let’s become one in a way that will always not only join us but also honour the man whose death had left us empty. My son loves tattoos. it seemed the obvious answer. I love the phrase “carpe Diem’ at school I had enjoyed Latin. I even won the Latin prize once. If only they had known at that stage that I would walk out of my o’level mock exam after having written only my name, never to attend another Latin lesson in my life. They probably would have thought twice.

For me, ‘Carpe Diem’ says it all. ‘Seize the day’; essentially, that is all you have. You can only live now, not in the future, not in the past. I decided I would arrange for the three of us to have a tatto done that day, I typed out Carpe Diem in a selection of fonts and then went to my daughter to ask her thoughts on both my idea and the best style. She agreed with me that it was a good way forward. We chose the font we liked with the intention of allowing my son the final choice.

Together, we went to his room. The piece of paper held tight in my shaking hand. He agreed. I could feel the relief fill my body. Something good was going to come from this day. We got an appointment. Took our turns. The kids ridiculed me for having my first tattoo but, at the same time, lovingly showed concern for the pain I may be enduring as the tattoo was being injected into scar tissue. It wasn’t painful. How could it be when I had witnessed one of the strongest people I know fade to nothing, his body infested with pain.

We left the parlour knowing no matter what happened from then on, we were united. We still are.

If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please feel free to use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 9 – Seventeen – Part 1

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If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking ‘Day 10’ of what? Have a quick read about my challenge.

I have just looked at my phone and it’s 17:17. A wave of frustration washes over me. I haven’t done my writing yet. I hate having things hanging over me. I like to do all my chosen daily routines in the morning. It calms my mind and I feel free. I am now agitated as we are about to sit down and relax as the sun sets on the horizon. Well the others are. I am begrudgingly sat in the office to do my writing. This is not the plan, i enjoy writing, it shouldn’t be a chore. I could of course not do it today. I mean, it’s not as though someone is forcing me to do this. No one has a gun at my head saying, “Write or I’ll shoot.” Should I just forget it and say. “It doesn’t matter if I miss a day.” To me it does. As with all things I decide to do, if I don’t do it, I feel I have let myself down. Even more so, I feel I am unlikely to achieve my goals if I give in. So here goes.

Seventeen is one of my favourite numbers, I was born on the seventeenth, maybe that’s why. My birth date is a palindrome, reads the same forwards and backwards – 17.8.71 (if you have the same date format as the English that is). I have always thought that was pretty cool.

I have a tattoo on my back, in between the scars from my spinal fusion. It says ‘Carpe Diem’, for anyone who doesn’t know, that is Latin for ‘Seize the Day’. Beneath it is a tally chart adding up to seventeen. The number of surgeries I had undergone at that time. I was hoping it would stay that way. Sadly not, number eighteen reared its ugly head in November. I am undecided as to whether I will add it to my tattoo.

I had been planning to have the tattoo for several years, I liked the idea of the tally chart. A memorandum of what I have been through, well some of it. Confirmation that no matter what is thrown at me, I keep going. I had the ‘Carpe Diem’ done with my children, we all had the same tattoo in different places. The reason why? I’ll tell you tomorrow, the sun has almost set, I am out of here!


If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment.

Thanks, Liz

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them, they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 7: Finding the time

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How is it that we are forever searching for more time?

I am currently on holiday; time should be plentiful. And yet, I have done it again, chosen to fit too many things into my day. Something I am renowned for. Every year on our holiday, I have grand ideas about starting new daily regimes. This challenge is one of them. I have also added exercising, face yoga (yes, I have succumbed), reading, sunbathing and swimming. I also have a long teeth brushing routine because when I was suicidal, I drank a lot of alcohol and didn’t brush my teeth. Years later, when I finally went to the dentist, he said I had bad gum disease and was at risk of my teeth falling out. The only way to resolve this was to use interdental brushes, and clean every tooth individually, this takes about 10 – 15 minutes, that’s not long, I hear you cry. However, I have to wait an hour after eating before I can do it so as not to soften the enamel. Invariably, if I don’t do it before I eat breakfast, it doesn’t get done. I tend to eat every couple of hours and once I have had my first meal, I forget to brush my teeth because the rest of daily life takes over.

I was managing to do all these things until our family came to stay: three adults and a one-year-old. Therein lies the rub. Now, I want to have time with them and do my daily routine. For any of you who have young grandchildren, you will know how much time they consume. They are so innocent, fascinating and inspiring that you can spend hours watching and interacting with them. Experience all the joy, and then you can hand them back (an added benefit to being a grandparent). My husband and I were happy not to eat an evening meal, instead having a big late lunch and snacks in the evening. Now, with a family in tow, my maternal instincts have kicked in, and I want to provide lovely meals for them and ensure everyone is fed and watered. We want to take them to all the places we love and absorb their joy, which in turn reignites ours. We want to play games with them and chat. All of these things take up time. So, how I can I fit in the other things I want to do?

I am full of emotions, such as joy, excitement, frustration, guilt, and gratitude. I am grieving lost time. I appreciate that may appear extreme, but it is a genuine human feeling that can wreak havoc with our minds. Does that make me sound selfish? That’s where the guilt comes in. For what it’s worth, I am not selfish, it is one of my problems, I am too selfless. I put other people’s wants and needs ahead of my own. Sometimes, so much so that I don’t know what I want and need.

As I write this, my grandson has started to cry. Already my stomack has knotted, I want to come to the rescue, I want to help. Make the problem go away for my daughter. But if I leave my laptop, that in itself, will create a problem of my own. I will not achieve my writing for today. Resulting in a surge of emotions all over again.

Where does my constant desire to come to the rescue come from? Did I feel no one came to rescue me from boarding school, so I have spent my life wanting to do for others what wasn’t done for me? Taking their pain away because mine was crucifying? I think that is a strong possibility. 

Can’t do this, going to help my daughter. I’ll be back.

I’m back. I was only a couple of minutes. They are trying to build his confidence in the water. I am not needed. Is this something else I crave – to be needed? I imagine so. It’s a fairly common human feeling. It helps build your confidence and self-worth. On the flip side, if you offer help and it’s not needed, it can lead to feelings of rejection and/or inadequacy.

I have no definitive answers. What I do know is that these emotions and feelings need to be acknowledged and attended to.

Wish me luck.

If you would like to join me on this journey, please like, subscribe and comment. If you make a comment, please explain what it was that made you feel that way.

Thanks, Liz

If you have stumbled across my blog and are thinking “Day 6 of what? Have a quick read of this explanation:

I have set myself a challenge and need your help, (please).

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

If you would like to buy ‘Bird by Bird’, please feel free to use my Amazon associate link: https://amzn.to/47Pdkx7

Day 5 – Struggling to exercise.

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If like me this morning, you struggle to exercise, find your motivation. Motivation is the key to so many goals in life, finding the right one for you is personal. What makes others do things may not work for you. So, spend a bit of time thinking about it, the more motivated you are the more likely you are to suceed. But remember, your motivation may change over time. Take note of if you are tiring of something, check in with yourself and see if your motivation has changed.

On this occasion, my motivation was to walk properly again. I was going to say walk again but that sounds altogether to dramatic but at the time that is was it felt like. After my climbing accident and faulkeson osteotmy, the delights of which I will share with you another day. I was told it would take a year to heal and for the screws in my shin to be fully set. I left hospital with a leg brase and a zimmer frame. Came home to my recently installed chair lift, at the ripe age of 33 and wondered how on earth I would get through this.

To begin with my physio ecersices were very basic and very very painful but my motivation, fortunately outweighed the pain. I was going to walk again, even if it killed me. Not sure that would have benefited anyone but nonetheless, that’s how determined I was. Before I had the surgery, I was told one leg would now, likely be shorter than the other, I may never walk properly again, have a limp and possibly end up in a wheel chair. I slowly and calmly looked at the consultant and said, “You don’t know me.” I don’t know about you but if someone says to me I won’t be able to do something, that alone can be enough motivation to prove them wrong.

Everyday, after the kids had gone to school and Murray to work, I lay alone in bed, that was until our magnificent Rhodesian Ridgeback, Rio, sauntered up the stairs and lay at the end of the bed, on the floor that is, he was so large he would have crushed me had he actually got on the bed and my plight would have been infinitely worse. The dogs weren’t allowed upstairs but Rio was a) a law unto himself and b) clearly knew I needed the support. 

One of my exercises was to place a rolled up hand towel under my knee, lift my heel off the bed until my leg was straight. I hadn’t been able to do this since the accident, 18 months beforehand. It had taken that long for the problem to be diagnosed. When I fell, my knee cap had been knocked out of alignment and the tracking was out, the aim of the operation was to fix the issue. Shin bone sawn in half, knee cap moved, two screws to secure it in place, the jobs a gooden.

I pulled myself up to a sitting position, lent up against the padded blue headboard, looked ahead of me at the full length mirrors on the wardrobe doors. I hated the fact they were they, I was staring at myself, watching me fail. I tended to do the exercises looking down so I couldn’t catch sight of my reflection. Weirdly, it became a useful choice as I would stare at my kneecap, imagine it moving the way it needed to, visualize my quad muscle springing into action and think how it would feel for my heel to rise. My quad hadn’t sprung into action since the accident, the muscle atrophy was extensive, the largest part of my thigh was now only thirteen inches in circumference, thats thirty three centimetres, which is, currently, the size of my calf muscle. I had a long way to go and the only way to do that, a minute at a time.

I sat there, staring down at my withering leg and attempted a heel lift. I had sweat running down my side where my armpits were leaking. Tears running down my cheeks where my eyes were leaking. My face was contorted, I was groaning, retching, squirming, swearing and my butt was sinking deeper into the mattress under the strain, so much so I thought I would become engulfed. All this to no avail. My heel was still steadfastly stuck to the bed. I wrapped the belt from my dressing gown around the ball of my foot and pulled the heel off the bed. This at least proved that the function was possible. I used all my might, every bit of brain power, (remember I had no leg power) I had to hold my leg there, released the belt and wallop it slammed back down on the bed. Hopeless!

“Rio” I whimpered. My beloved, dog, whose grandeur never failed to impress, arose from his slumber, stretched and sauntered (he loved to saunter) around the bed so his face was next to mine. Looked at me from under his heavy eyebrows as if to say, “You got this mum.” And I hugged him, felt his warm breath and reassuring smell, halitosis, all was not lost, some things never change. I released my grip looked deep into his soul and thanked him. He knew his job was done, reversed, (there wasn’t enough room for him to turn his vast stature around), went back to the end of the bed. Curled up and went straight to sleep. His gentle snore filling the air. I sat back up, stared back down at my knee and started again.

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Thanks, Liz

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I have set myself a challenge and need your help, (please).

For anyone reading my posts who has a story in them they are struggling to tell. I would recommend getting Anne Lamott’s book ‘Bird by Bird’. It has inspired me to create this challenge and is full of great knowledge and insight. She also has a wonderful sense of humour and writing style.

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